My Meltdown

Sunday, May 12, 2013 23 Comments A+ a-

I’ve written this post over several days.  I’ve written, rewritten, deleted, added, and turned myself inside out trying convey what’s been happening in my life these past two weeks.  This post is far from perfect, but it needs to be written.  It needs to be journaled.  This space is about my life… All of it.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the scary.  Some may judge me for sharing so much with the internet, and that’s ok.  I understand if this makes you uncomfortable, and for that, I apologize.  But I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t share it here.

This space has been quiet over the past few weeks.  In fact, most of my social media has been quiet.  The fact of the matter is, while everyone is turning out thought-provoking posts, adding adorable pictures on Instagram, working on DIY tutorials, pinning on Pinterest, and Friending on Facebook, I’ve just been trying to breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
 
I wish I were kidding.  I wish I were over exaggerating.  But the day after my last post, I had a complete and total meltdown.
 
As in… sitting in my bathtub sobbing my guts out to Jon.  As in… I was having panic attacks several times a day.  The kind where I flushed hot, then cold, and then I couldn’t breathe because a freaking elephant was sitting on my chest.  As in… I wanted to curl up in the fetal position, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the day away.  As in… the highlight of my day was counting down the hours until bedtime.
 
It was the single most scary, darkest, and most painful time in my life.  And that’s saying something seeing as how I JUST talked about how bad my post-partum depression got after Hudson.  I was seconds away from turning into our local mental health hospital’s parking lot and admitting myself because I was certain that I was crazy and I just wanted some relief.
 
Yeah.  It was that bad.
 
Let me tell you something.  I’ve been dealing with depression long enough that when I’ve hit a rough patch, I can assure myself it’ll only last a couple of days, then the tide will turn again soon.  Only this time, the tide didn’t turn and I couldn’t see hope.  It was terrifying.
 
I waited a good six days before I received help.  And I’m happy to say the psychologist and doctor have upped my meds and I’m taking an anti-anxiety to bridge the panic attacks while my new dose reaches therapeutic levels.  I’ve never had panic attacks, so this is a brand-new symptom to deal with.  Yay! {sarcasm font}
 
The hardest part is that I don’t know where it came from…  I can’t pinpoint one trigger that could’ve sent me into this funk.  I have theories, my family and friends have theories, even my psychologist has theories.  And so best as I can tell, its probably a mixture of things…
 
First, let’s chat about Munchkin Land Designs.  Did you know that in the past two months, I’ve had three days off?  Three days.  And I can probably guarantee that I at least answered emails on those days.  I have zero balance in my life and I think this is a huge wake-up call that things need to change.  And fast.  Jon and I are discussing changes and working through the details.  But guess what?  I used to love designing, and I need to get back to that.  This frantic pace is no longer cutting it and my body has had enough.
 
Secondly, I’ve had a traumatic year.  There, I’ve admitted it and said it.  My grandmother died, one friend moved out-of-state, my dad was diagnosed and fought and beat cancer in the span of three months, my husband’s step-father died, and a second friend moved out-of-state.  Its been a long year of trauma and goodbyes.  And while I thought I was dealing with it all pretty well, I think this is clearly telling me that I have more to deal with.
 
And lastly, and while I don’t know your thoughts and opinions on spiritual warfare, since we believe in God, we also believe in Satan.  And there’s not a doubt in my mind that there’s an element of spiritual warfare in this situation.  I find it interesting that the day after I proclaim my birthright as the daughter of the King of Kings on this blog, that I was brought to my knees in despair. 
 
I feel like it was the perfect storm.  And my mind and body has brought it quickly to my attention that there are things I need to deal with in my life.  I’m lacking balance, I need to work through some grief, and I need to be on my knees even more than ever.  There may have been warning signs in the past, but I’m a procrastinator.  I tend to leave things on the shelves until I have no choice but to deal with them. 
 
Guess what?  I have NO CHOICE but to deal with this now.  Mind and body have made that plenty clear.
 
I’m doing ok.  I have moments, long periods of time, that I really feel like myself.  I have the energy and motivation and focus to deal with the day-to-day.  But just as fast, I can be back in the despair and it takes all I can to feed the Littles lunch, or get them to school.  Its in those moments that I cry out to God, wondering if I’m ever going to feel completely whole and good again.  There’s been a lot, A LOT, of praying these past few weeks.  Not to mention the utter fear and helplessness Jon felt. 
 
If you think of it, of me, I covet your prayers, my friends.  I pray that I will hear God’s instructions clearly and that I’ll lean on Him for strength and peace.  And someday… hopefully soon… this blog will return to fun posts again.  Its been a little too serious, even for my liking lately.  Ha! 
 
Just keeping it real, folks.  Keeping it real.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

23 comments

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Momof4Girls
AUTHOR
5:20 AM delete

Jenn, yes, keeping it real. It takes a lot of courage, honey, to share the deep trials of life. The hope in Christ is He IS with us through them, waiting with open arms for us to go to Him. Dad and I are praying-- for you to feel better with the anxiety and depression, for His wisdom in making decisions and changes, and against the enemy who seeks and destroys. But, greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world!!! I John 4:4 Remember that promise, munchkin, when there is spiritual warfare!!! We love you very much!!!

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Tracy
AUTHOR
6:33 AM delete

I admire you so much for speaking about something that so many people keep hidden. I think just telling your story will help a lot of people. I'll be praying for you.

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Courtney
AUTHOR
8:00 AM delete

Jennifer I love you so so SO much and I'm sorry you are going through this right now. =( I've been there with the anxiety attacks and they are no fun at all. I'm glad you are going to be taking a step back and re-evaluating some things in your life, I think you need it for sanity. I love you and you know I'm always here if you need anything at all.

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Neely
AUTHOR
8:57 AM delete

Jenn! You my friend ar so brave for writing this. You know I have dealt with depression as well and I completely understand that feeling of not knowing where it comes from or how to stop it. YOu did the right thing by seeking help. I am always here.

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Lisa
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9:09 AM delete

Definitely admire you for sharing this! Glad you were able to get help - sending prayers your way.

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MamaBear
AUTHOR
10:24 AM delete

I'll be praying for you Jrnn! It is very very hard to find balance when you have your own business. If you don't do it, it doesn't get done. Days off only mean work piles up. I get so anxious just writing that! One thing that has helped me a little is to take the summers off. I know that my business works a little differently than yours so it would be trickier to figure out how long to let your waiting list get but I breath easier at night knowing that as long as I plug away the next two weeks I can take a break. Granted I still have the campground and park programs and three kids to watch but not having to devote every.spare.second to work frees up souch space in my head that I can think straight again.

Good for you for sharing your struggles. We're her for you and love you!!!!

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Vicki
AUTHOR
10:25 AM delete

I have said it before, I will say it again: you write beautifully. I admire you for posting this - its hard to admit that things are not ok ... and even harder to work towards fixing the things that are not right. A million virtual hugs being sent your way!!!

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MamaBear
AUTHOR
10:25 AM delete

Pardon the typos! Chubby thumbs, misspelled name... and a missed 'e' on breathe! Oops!

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10:50 AM delete

Jenn, I love you. I'm there with you right now...in fact I told my mom last night I needed a week in the psych ward after this last month. I'm DM-ing you my #. From one medicined, anxiety ridden, still post partum depressed, business owning, work at home, full time mom to another...I'm here.

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Jodi
AUTHOR
11:39 AM delete

Praying for you Jenn. Stay strong! You are so good for sharing as it will help so many others. So glad you got help and they have increased your medication. I really hope that helps. Too bad it doesn't work faster but give it time. Thinking of you and hoping you'll be feeling much better in no time.

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1:07 PM delete

praying for you.... Satan's goal is to steal, kill and destroy but Jesus came so that we could have life and life more abundantly! Praying for that abundant life to flood into your day to day =) That you would find balance... and god bless modern day medicine!

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Taylor
AUTHOR
1:10 PM delete

Bless your heart, I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much right now. You will definitely be in my prayers and I'm sending you hugs!!

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Jordan Gomez
AUTHOR
2:18 PM delete

Love and mountains of prayers headed your way. I've never felt this badly but I think I've seen the tip of this iceberg. I'm 8 weeks pregnant and paralyzed with fear of losing or doing something wrong by my baby. I pray god heals your mind body and heart soon and that the devil will cease and disist

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2:20 PM delete

I'm so glad you're starting to have good moments again. Prayers coming your way.

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Beloved
AUTHOR
3:55 PM delete

You do not need to apologize! You are a sweetheart and courageous for sharing with others. So many people go through the same thing but don't have the words to express their thoughts. You've given hope to me and many others who are going through it with you!

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Christine
AUTHOR
9:39 PM delete

Jenn, I'm really sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. I'm praying for you-a LOT!
I agree with Court, although I wish it didn't take this recent battle with depression and anxiety, I'm glad you will be re-evaluating your CRAZY schedule! I don't know how you run your own business while having 4 littles at home. I'll be keeping you accountable to simplify your life. ;) I love you very much sister of mine.

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Kristine
AUTHOR
7:33 AM delete

I struggle with depression, anxiety, and now they think bipolar disorder. I know how you feel when you say you're about to admit yourself to the mental institute because I feel that way every day... I've got a post on this same subject coming on Thursday :)
Speaking of your designs... I'm feeling a change is needed for my blog! Email me and we can talk changes :)

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Erin
AUTHOR
9:58 AM delete

As a woman and mom who has dealt with years of depression, I know this cycle all too well. Lifting you and your family up in prayer.

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11:31 AM delete

Jenn,
Oh girl! I hope that a break and some time to figure out the balance side of life will help in some small way! I'm so glad you have such a supportive and understanding husband! I tried to remember the last time I had a day off from designing and I can't so I totally feel you there.I hope it gets better!
-Kristi

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Jennifer
AUTHOR
2:11 PM delete

Oh, wow! I noticed your absence online, and I hate that this is going on. I have struggled with depression and anxiety before, and I am so glad you're getting help! You have had a very traumatic year and have been crazy busy, and I definitely believe in spiritual warfare and have dealt with an attack lately myself. Praying for you, sweet friend!!

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Katie
AUTHOR
2:21 PM delete

This is my first chance to sit down & read blogs in the last couple of days. Big hugs to you, sweet friend. Praying for you & your family!

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Amber
AUTHOR
9:28 PM delete

You write so wonderfully Jen. I feel what you feel when I read your blog. I hate to hear you've had such a hard time with your depression and anxiety, because I, too, have been there. It's tough. But you have such an amazing support group. You'll pull through because you're a fighter!

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Linds
AUTHOR
11:42 AM delete

Just read this post. I had a perfect storm kind of few months about a year ago and had very similar panic attacks. Praying for you! Stomp on Satan-- that evil deceiver is a bunch of rotten bones!

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