The Underbelly of Grief

Sunday, August 12, 2012 6 Comments A+ a-

I had a good day yesterday. Good enough that I thought I could handle church today. 

We’re still new enough at our church that there’s a sense of anonymity, enough so that I thought we could slip into our seats, be with His people, feel His presence, then slip out again.  Once we were on our way, I felt the all-too familiar feeling of the tightening of the chest and the inability to breathe, get stronger with each passing mile.  To say I’m not handling crowds and people right now is an understatement.

Church was exactly what I needed. Even the unexpected run-in with friends was good.  I just wasn’t ready… at all.  It made emotions raw and all too-close to the surface; it turned a difference of opinion this afternoon into an overblown reaction. And Jon thought it best to give me a 1/2 xanax and put me to bed.  It helped.  Some.

The fact of the matter is this… Grief is exposing so much about human condition and sin.  I’ve nicknamed it the underbelly of grief.

Jon has been amazing.  A-maz-ing!  In fact, I have a whole post brewing about his amazingness, but I’m still processing through it all.  However, has that stopped him from getting on my every nerve?  Nope.  I have never been so thankful for my husband on one hand, yet so annoyed and mean to him on the other.  In one breath, I’m thanking him for doing this, that, or the other, and in the very next breath, I tell him how he did it wrong.

Y’all.  I’m driving MYSELF crazy, I can’t imagine how its making him feel.

I apologize.  I cringe when I hear the tone I use with him.  Even as words fly out of my mouth, I know I’ll quickly follow it up with up, “I am so sorry! I don’t know why I’m acting this way.”  And its true, its like I’m unable to stop myself.

Today as I apologized for the upteenth time, he smiled and told me I had a month’s grace.  One month to get it out of my system, and then he was going to start fighting back.  I laughed.  That is a small example of who he has been this past week.

This is hard.  So hard.  I’m looking for the grace that I so readily extended last week, to myself and others.  If you find it, would you mind sending it back?  I have many in my life that would greatly appreciate it.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

6 comments

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Jamie
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9:06 PM delete

HUGS to you. Things will get better. Your in my thoughts & prayers

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Christine
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11:01 PM delete

I'm experiencing a little of this too. I feel I've been very short with Caleb. I'm sure it's this ugly thing called grief. It sucks.

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Barbie Murphy
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11:26 PM delete

Oh, yeah----grief strips us of all pretentions---and exposes the raw, unchecked parts of us. Give yourselves the grace that your loved ones around you are doling out. LEAN into Jesus, underneath are His everlasting arms. God certainly understands grief---His only Son died on behalf of people who rejected Him. May memories of special times with your Grandma bring comfort. You ALL gave her what she needed in her dying process.

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Brittany TYD
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10:17 PM delete

My grandpa was the closest person in my life. He passed away in September and I still struggle with it. It never really goes away, but one day you won't feel like your whole heart is crumbling.

Praying for you. What a blessing your husband is!

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Kay Holt
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1:40 PM delete

Bless your husbands heart...what a good mand. And hugs to you! Continued prayers for you and your family.

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[diane]
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9:38 PM delete

Oh, your hubby sounds like a good man! I love his month of grace for you. My friend lost her job and her hubby gave her a week of grace - lay on the couch, wallow around, he took care of the kids. It helped snap her out of her funk!

I don't know you except thru here and Twitter/Instagram, but I can tell how much your grandmother meant to you. You'll miss her always but it will get better!

Hugs and cheers to you!

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