The Underbelly of Grief
I had a good day yesterday. Good enough that I thought I could handle church today.
We’re still new enough at our church that there’s a sense of anonymity, enough so that I thought we could slip into our seats, be with His people, feel His presence, then slip out again. Once we were on our way, I felt the all-too familiar feeling of the tightening of the chest and the inability to breathe, get stronger with each passing mile. To say I’m not handling crowds and people right now is an understatement.
Church was exactly what I needed. Even the unexpected run-in with friends was good. I just wasn’t ready… at all. It made emotions raw and all too-close to the surface; it turned a difference of opinion this afternoon into an overblown reaction. And Jon thought it best to give me a 1/2 xanax and put me to bed. It helped. Some.
The fact of the matter is this… Grief is exposing so much about human condition and sin. I’ve nicknamed it the underbelly of grief.
Jon has been amazing. A-maz-ing! In fact, I have a whole post brewing about his amazingness, but I’m still processing through it all. However, has that stopped him from getting on my every nerve? Nope. I have never been so thankful for my husband on one hand, yet so annoyed and mean to him on the other. In one breath, I’m thanking him for doing this, that, or the other, and in the very next breath, I tell him how he did it wrong.
Y’all. I’m driving MYSELF crazy, I can’t imagine how its making him feel.
I apologize. I cringe when I hear the tone I use with him. Even as words fly out of my mouth, I know I’ll quickly follow it up with up, “I am so sorry! I don’t know why I’m acting this way.” And its true, its like I’m unable to stop myself.
Today as I apologized for the upteenth time, he smiled and told me I had a month’s grace. One month to get it out of my system, and then he was going to start fighting back. I laughed. That is a small example of who he has been this past week.
This is hard. So hard. I’m looking for the grace that I so readily extended last week, to myself and others. If you find it, would you mind sending it back? I have many in my life that would greatly appreciate it.