The post I Never Planned to Write

Sunday, August 19, 2012 23 Comments A+ a-

Never in a million years did I think I’d be writing this post.  Never, ever.  But as I’m prone to do, I was thinking out loud on Twitter (if you ever want to know what its like to live in my head, follow me on Twitter…you’ve been warned), and the following tweet jumped from my head to the world wide web. 

: If I were a brave person, I'd blog about the creative ways of being intimate while there are 4 Littles underfoot. But I'm not, so I won't.

(Note to self.  Your filter has taken a vacation for a while… let’s be a little more careful, m’kay?!) 

tmiI thought it would be good for a chuckle, maybe some dialogue, but I was in no way prepared for the response.  Women wanted to know… for real.  Like actual answers and stuff.  And if they could have seen my beet red face, they’d have known just how flustered I was getting.  My initial response?  Delete the tweet and run away.  But then I paused, and talked to Jon.  I read more tweets and talked to Jon some more.  I decided this was a post that needed to be written, but not without getting a few things straight first…

  • I am in no way writing this for shock value.  My intentions in writing this post are because a) its such an important topic and no one talks about it, and b) if it can improve this part of married lives, yay!  I’m all for improved marriages.
  • I am not writing this as an expert on the issue.  I’m simply talking about it from the standpoint from my experiences as a wife and mama.  If there are more serious issues in the bedroom, then I highly (HIGHLY) suggest you seek help from a doctor or other professional.
  • Jon knows, has read, and approved of this post.  It was important to me that my own partner be ok with what’s being shared here.  I’ve promised him that I am not planning on becoming the next Dr. Ruth.

Ok, here goes nothing.  Beet red face and all….  My precious children, someday you may be reading this.  I suggest you stop here.

Let’s face it, as mamas we give everything to everyone else.  All day long, we’re serving our Littles, coworkers, bosses, and the like.  There is precious little left over at the end of the day to even think about some of our husband’s needs.  (And if I’m being completely honest here, needs of mine too.  Ahem.) 

I can’t tell you you how many times Jon has reached for me at night, and inwardly I’ve groaned, wondering how he possibly thinks that now is a good time for this.  Doesn’t he know all I want to do is sleep?  That I’ve had little hands grabbing at me all day long and the last thing I want is more hands?  Other times, I’m as a gung-ho as he is, but 2-3 times out of 10, I’m grudgingly giving in.  Which is just dumb, because by the time we get to the good stuff, I’m just as into it as he is.

Side note.  I realize its easy to get stuck in the “not right nows” and “maybe laters”.  I’ve been there.  I urge caution in using those statements.  It can be the start of a vicious cycle.  The cycle that states, “Your needs aren’t as important as theirs” which can then lead to a battle of wills of “I ain’t meeting your needs, until mine are met” and so on.  I’m surely NOT speaking from experience here.  Ahem.

Now while night times are often best for all concerned, let’s face it.  More times than not, I’m too exhausted to put three words together in a complete sentence, let alone have energy for anything else.  And with four Littles underfoot, we’ve had to get creative in finding those intimate moments.  Here’s a few that have worked for us.  (Oh sweet mercy!  My great-grandmother is rolling over in her grave.)

  • The Nap Time.
    This used to work much better for us when the Littles were younger, and is pretty self-explanatory.  Nap time = fun time for the parents.  But as they’ve gotten older and naptimes are slowly disappearing, the Littles are quite used to Mama and Daddy disappearing for their own “nap times” once Ashlynn goes down.  No questions asked, or raised eyebrows (yet).  If Daddy shouts through the door, “We’re taking a nap” they usually leave well enough alone.
  • The Movie.
    Age doesn’t seem matter with this one.  If Daddy suggests a movie or TV time, we can usually count on a good stretch of 25-45 minutes as they are magically hypnotized by the box on the wall.
  • The Shower.
    This is pretty self-explanatory and always good for quickie.  Now if you’re like us, I’m sure your Littles don’t understand the meaning of closed doors.  And there have been many times, doors have opened and little heads have peeked in asking for one of the parents.  But usually just a word from Jon will have pacified the inquiring mind and the door is shut again.
  • The Drive-By
    This is one of those I-was-putting-laundry-away-and-I’m-not-sure-what-happened-next moments.  Its those moments when one of us is going about our household chores and bam!  Neither of us really know what happened, but any place with a door works great.

I’ve read the statistics and the research about the quantity that “normal” couples have in a week, month, and year.  I can’t attest to that, as I believe that as with most everything else, intimacy fluctuates with the hills and valleys of marriage.  But I can say with absolute certainty, that whenever Jon and I are feeling disconnected or out-of-sync, we need not look any further than the bedroom.  It might not fix whatever is broken at the moment, but it sure goes a long way in bringing us closer together.

So there you have it.  The post that I never, ever intended to write, and a few of our own tried and true methods that work for us.  And now I’m going to bury my head in the sand and pretend this didn’t just happen.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

23 comments

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Angie
AUTHOR
3:16 PM delete

DYING! I laughed out loud through your comments throughout, you are too funny! I can so relate on the 'inward groan'....and well, the end results as well. Goodness me. And couldnt agree more on the out-of-sync - even if it doesnt fix, it does HELP! Wonderful tips, and ill be sure to take notes ;)Thanks mama! Be proud and get your head out of the sand!!!!

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Kim H.
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3:18 PM delete

Good Job! I applaud you for going there and helping husbands everywhere get lucky :-)

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Amanda
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3:23 PM delete

Best. Post. Ever!!!! Thank you thank you!!!! Now I know why you have four kids!;) great post!

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Neely
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3:25 PM delete

Best. Post.ever.

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Kara
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3:46 PM delete

Thank you for writing this.

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Holly
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7:12 PM delete

It takes a LOT of guts to write something like this...and I love it!!! While I'm not married nor do I have a significant other, it's good to know that you can find ways to keep the intimacy alive even with 4 kids around!

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Brei
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7:17 PM delete

this is for REAL awesome. Thank you for writing! beautifully, tastefully, and confidently done. xoxo

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Laura
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7:41 PM delete

You are brave for writing this. And I'm commenting to say, "You go girl." :) Clearly, you aren't alone. I particularly enjoyed the line, "Which is just dumb, because by the time we get to the good stuff, I’m just as into it as he is." Because uh...yep. Guilty. "No, not tonight..." then by that point, it's, "Why was I being such a brat?" Okay. Let me stop before I have a post of my own going. :P

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Courtney
AUTHOR
7:59 PM delete

I'll just file this post under "things I never wanted to know about my big sister." thanks.

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pedro
AUTHOR
8:32 PM delete

All the same, Court, in a few years it'll be another set of advice you'll be glad your big sister imparted. Speaking as both an older sibling and as a parent with children ;)

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Cari
AUTHOR
4:35 AM delete

As someone who is married without children, I can still relate to this post Jenn. While we truly do have more "time", we are often so busy with work and hobbies that we neglect each other and forget that something as simple as this, is usually the root of the tension.

Thank you for sharing this!

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Jessyka
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7:18 AM delete

Finally, someone says it! Awesome post! Now to get my children to understand "closed doors"...

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9:43 AM delete

BRAVE GIRL! VERY BRAVE! But oh so true and very thought provoking! amen, amen, amen. Well said!!!!! I'm sure all of our husbands will thank you for this as well! ;)

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Mandy Rose
AUTHOR
10:42 AM delete

I seriously love everything you wrote! I feel like all of those thoughts were EXACT thoughts I have! Either we are just as alike as I thought...or everyone feels this way! Haha! I am glad you {beat red face and all} wrote this! So important that we don't neglect the "needs" of our spouses!

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Christy
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9:27 AM delete

Thank you so much for posting this! You are so right in so many ways:) Wonderful post!

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Mary
AUTHOR
1:39 PM delete

Great post, Jenn. And I can totally concur that after 9 years of marriage, we definitely recognize that if we are feeling disconnected from one another, we need to spend a few minutes alone - and make one of those 4 scenarios happen. ;)

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Christine
AUTHOR
2:00 PM delete

Ha ha.You ARE brave but I think many people are happy you wrote this. I will cry someday when nap time no longer exists. ;)

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Sarah
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2:09 PM delete

Jenn, I love this post! Couldn't agree more, I'm sharing this!

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~Sue
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2:31 PM delete

Keep writing, girl!

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6:26 PM delete

Wonderful post, my friend! All of it is so true and well said. And I love that Hubby approved, you know I have Hubby read and approve every post too ;) I think this shows that y'all have a wonderful marriage and what a blessing that you can share that with others!

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8:48 PM delete

Loved this post... particularly love the "drive by" description. For the record, I distinctly remember my parents going to their bedroom as kids for "mommy/daddy" time and being told that we had better be dying in order to knock on their door. I was an adult before I had any clue what was going on...

I'm so glad that you talked about what a healthy sex life in a long marriage with 4 kids looks like... people need to know that it's possible!

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[diane]
AUTHOR
9:32 PM delete

Awesome post, Jenn! I love your honesty about sex after kids, let alone 4! Good for you (and your hubby!) for making time to be intimate. As Samantha said in SATC, sex is the barometer of the relationship. No, not for everything, but you are right that this is an integral part of a marriage and we need to pay attention where it is due. Love that you wrote about this!

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10:22 AM delete

This post is incredible! Thank you for writing it! I have to admit I am not married nor do I have children, but that's why this post is so great. We have to practice now making the time to meet each others physical needs (just one of many requirements for a healthy marriage and relationship) so when children or more stressors come into our lives we will automatically take the time. The physical aspect of a relationship, sex, cuddling, handholding, all super important! Thanks so much for writing this!! :)

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