Snippets of Grief

Thursday, August 23, 2012 7 Comments A+ a-

Because I see so many themes evolving while I process through the grief, I feel like bullet-pointing these.  I could give each bullet point its own post but since I’m only able to string together a few coherent sentences at a time, this is the way to go.

  • I’ve officially lost my mind.  Case in point #1. I saw a photo on Instagram the other of a screen shot.  I paused because I liked the design.  Then it hit me. I designed it.  Oy.  Case in point #2.  I met a friend for coffee the other night.  It would’ve helped if I’d gone to the right place.  Thankfully, the friend saved me from further embarrassment and came to me.
  • The first 7-10 days after Grandma died, I lived in a fog.  I can neither remember those days clearly, nor could I have told you what day it was if my life depended on it.  It all runs into one long, painful moment in time.
  • I’ve mentioned that my filter has taken a leave of absence.  I do not trust myself right now.  Period.  Whenever I felt my impatience get stronger, I simply walk away.  That’s 10x easier than having a meltdown and being put to bed with 1/2 a xanax.  Thankfully, Jon has only had to resort to that one time.
  • I’ve mentioned that Jon was doing everything right and everything wrong, at the same time, before.  But truthfully, I could not have survived these last two weeks without him.  He was in a word, amazing.  He anticipated every single need, then met it.  Without my having to ask or say anything.  I can only hope to be half the support to him someday.
  • Everyone keeps telling me that its ok to be angry with God.  Truthfully, I have no anger whatsoever towards God.  I’m sure its different from person to person, even situation to situation. But the idea of being angry with God has never crossed my mind.  Now unreasonable anger towards other people? Yes.  See xanax point above.
  • I have a whole new perspective on heaven now.  And while I still look forward to being in the presence of holiness and glory, the added layer of no pain, no sorrow, no goodbyes has added a brand-new dimension to heaven.  This grief has added so much to the knowledge that this place is not my home.  And while I can’t wait to get there, I truly don’t want to be so focused on heaven, that I’m of no earthly good here.
  • I feel like I’ve moved from living moment-to-moment.  I feel like Jon and the Littles walked on tip-toes trying to decipher what mood I was in and avoiding anything that would set me off.  I feel like we’ve moved into having good days and bad days.  I can usually tell within the first hour or two what kind of day I will be having.  And even within a good day, I have moments.  But its not nearly as bad as it was.
  • I read somewhere that we all want “rules” on how to deal with grief.  I’d do better with rules.  Tell me what I should be doing/feeling next and I can do this.  I’m discovering that there is no such thing.   I’m trying to live life and stop to grieve when the moments hit.
  • I highly suggest keeping little people around while grieving.  They don’t give you a choice in whether or not you can keep living life.  There’s no choice.  And I thank them for helping me stay sane.
  • I voiced an informal poll on Twitter the other day, asking if creating a playlist of Grandma’s funeral songs would be comforting or make me a glutton for punishment.  The majority said glutton, but I created it anyway, simply because I was seeking the songs out anyway.  I’ve found them to comforting.  In fact, I’m listening to this song list more than anything else right now.
  • Speaking of Twitter.  I feel like I’m doing a lot of processing on Twitter.  I’m surely going to lose followers very soon because they’re getting so many of my deep and random thoughts right now.  I often wonder if I should write a check out to Dr. Twitter for therapy services.
  • The BIGGEST surprise through all of this has been in how I’ve processed it all.  I am an extrovert’s extrovert, an extreme extrovert.  Yet right now, I have to be alone while I grieve.  In the hardest, most raw, and painful moments, I withdraw and have to be alone.  I don’t even want Jon around in those moments.  And he’s been amazing in respecting that.
  • Remember those magic happy pills I’ve talked so highly of?  For whatever reason, the prescription ran out in early July and it was a huge hassle to get into the doctor for a renewal due to insurance changes.  So I’ve officially been off anti-depressants since early July, before Grandma’s diagnosis, and all things considered, I’m doing well.  And I’m thankful for it.  Being off those pills has allowed me to FEEL!  Every pain, every ache, every emotion, I have been allowed to feel.  I feel like this bullet point deserves its in own post and I imagine I will, but right now, I can’t help but feel there was some sovereignty in the timing of all of this.
  • The playlist I mentioned above?  I Will Rise, Homesick, and You Hold Me Now are carrying me through these days and weeks.  I leave you with Hillsong’s You Hold Me Now. 


On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

CHORUS:
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing theres a greater day
Theres a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
Im believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

CHORUS:
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

7 comments

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1:55 PM delete

"This grief has added so much to the knowledge that this place is not my home. "----This sentence resonates so much with me. I've struggled with grief and death. This is truly not our home. I also am not eager to get there quickly, but I do long for no sorrows, no pain, and no sad goodbyes. I've been thinking of you during this time. Hugs and prayers.

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Courtney
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1:57 PM delete

I've been listening to all three of those songs constantly too!! I was watching Grandma's slideshow this morning and started crying so I had to redo my makeup all over again. Jeremy told me I should probably listen to the playlist BEFORE I put makeup on

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Kenzie
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2:07 PM delete

All my prayers, Jenn. Hang in there!

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Christine
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9:09 PM delete

I feel like I was nodding my head with every bullet point. I'm right there with you and feeling everything you mentioned. I couldn't agree more with what Lenette said. You Hold Me Now perfectly describes how I feel and how I see heaven.

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DeeDee
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10:10 AM delete

So comforting knowing that this is NOT our home! Sending internet hugs to you, Jenn!!

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Claire
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8:15 AM delete

Thinking of you and praying for you at this time.

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