A Peek Inside My Mind
I am really, really nervous about writing this post… Simply because I don’t know how it’ll be taken. My fear is that someone will read too much into this and walk away with a distorted idea of who I am. I fear that my words won’t convey the utter lack of answers I have in regard to these questions. These aren’t hypothetical questions for me. I’m seriously wrestling over these thoughts and questions because quite simply… I DON’T KNOW what the answers are. I’m scared that this will turn into a debate, and if you follow me on any social media forum, you know I run like crazy from online debates. I like my social media light and fluffy. I usually groan in genuine pain when I see the political/religious/mommy war debates begin. But I digress…
This is my blog. Its been my journal for almost seven years now. I can’t begin to explain the joy and wonderment I experience when I look back through the archives and see an answered prayer there… or a time when the light bulb finally went off at that moment… or how distinctly I can see where my walk with the Lord was strongest or weakest depending on the posts I wrote at that time. And so its here I bare my struggles, my thoughts, my questions. Please don’t take anything away from this post other than a woman who is wrestling with answers, because this is where I’m at right now.
I want to emphasize one thing before I dive in… Having these questions, these doubts, these struggles does not mean that I’m questioning my faith. It does not mean I don’t know where my hope is centered. There is not a single doubt in my mind that my God is bigger than any hesitations I feel. There is not a shred of fear that my God will leave or forsake me while I seek to resolve my questions. He can handle these doubts of mine, He knows my thoughts before I even think them and loves me through the process of finding answers. He IS my all in all, even in the midst of this.
There is a situation right now in which I have no idea what the right answer should be. I’m thinking of one situation in particular, but the fact of the matter is, similar stories and circumstances keep popping up in my life and in the lives of family, friends, and loved ones all the time. I’m quite certain this will be a life-long quest for me. And I’m no closer to finding the right answers now, than I have in the past. In fact, instead of this constant wrestling match, I’d much prefer for God to simply write it on whatever wall of whatever room I’m in at that moment saying, “This is the correct answer…” and I’ll do what it says. It would be so much simpler that way, but I guess this inner turmoil goes hand-in-hand with free will.
And here’s my battle…
Righteousness vs. Grace
Love vs. Condemnation
Holiness vs. Happiness
In what circumstances do I stand for righteousness and holiness? In what situations do grace and love win out over the others? Is it possible to love someone and offer grace, while at the same time standing up for what you know to be true and right in the eyes of God? And how does one stand for righteousness and holiness, without it looking like condemnation and judgment? Where is the fine line between accountability vs. judge and jury?
These are the questions that are running through my mind on a daily basis. Like I said, I’m no closer to answers now than when I started wrestling with these questions years ago. I feel like there’s a woman inside of me who is yanking her hair out by the fistfuls and sending out silent screams of “What is the right answer?!”
And since I don’t know the answers, I turn to two things.
#1. When I don’t know, when I’m in the thick of it and have no clear answer, it seems to me that it can’t be wrong to err on the side of love. Right? Jesus was love personified. Everything He did was out of love… love for us and love for His father. Granted there were moments of righteous anger, but let’s face it, I’m not Jesus. (Somewhere my sisters are cackling in agreement.) So I feel like I can’t go wrong with love.
#2. God knows my heart. He knows me more intimately than Jon and my mother know me, even more than I know myself. When I have pure intentions and I screw it up royally (as only I can do), He knows that my intentions were good, even if the actions had horrible results. I know that I can go to Him and seek forgiveness, which He’ll happily extend. There’s freedom in knowing that in the midst of my confusion, He knows my heart.
So there you have it; I’ve laid it bare for the world to see. And some of that judgment that I was talking about earlier? Yeah, others will have some for me now. And that’s ok. But someday I hope to look back at this post and with some experience, wisdom, and clarity under my belt, I’ll be that much closer to the answers I seek.