It’s a quiet kind of random.
I’ve been quiet lately. Just being. Even now, with the laptop open and the blinking cursor staring at me, I find the words are hard to come.
I know that with these stirrings in my soul, it means God’s working on something. Getting ready to carve, shape, mold me. And so I wait. Wondering when I’ll be allowed in on the work He’s doing in my heart.
I wonder if it has anything to do with the struggle of walking the tightrope of grace and judgment. Of freedom and legalism. Its been weighing on my heart. And I’m no closer to answer.
It could be the James study and how I’m both terrified and excited to dive into this book. A book that I haven’t studied too much before. Mainly because the verse “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness” (James 3:9) is a conviction straight to my gut.
Another convicting scripture from James, one my mother had me memorize as a child. “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.” James 3:6 I’m confessing here that my tongue has gotten me in more trouble than I care to admit. My sisters can attest to the fact that my tongue is the preferred weapon of choice. It’s a vicious beast and one I’m determined to overcome.
And another verse… Oh heck, shall we just admit that the book of James, as a whole, is a convicting one. Why am I so excited about this study again?
I registered Hudson for kindergarten today. It was bittersweet in its own right. Not nearly as emotional as registering Devyn two years ago, but just so strange to believe that the little boy that’s so completely stolen my heart is headed off to kindergarten in the fall.
Reagan, while great at school, coloring her way through several pieces of paper while I filled out forms, had a bit of a meltdown as we left the school. I had to stop her from marching into Devyn’s classroom and making herself at home. Where I’m sure she believes she belongs.
Speaking of Devyn, we’ve had a rough go of it recently. She’s been dealing with a never-ending ear infection. Going on four weeks now. After a particularly bad night, we went to Urgent Care for help. The doctor on-call took one look at me, looked at Devyn, then back at me again. “She is the spitting image of you, Mama,” she said. It made both of us smile.
In one area, though, she is nothing like her mama. My daughter, MY little girl, hates reading. She doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to do it, and would rather do chores than read. Which reading has now become. A chore. We have an agreement, she and I. If she reads for 15 minutes every day without me having to remind her or nag at her to finish, I’ll buy her the voice activated diary she’s been wanting. Bribery. Parenting at its finest.
And while she might hate reading, the girl is a whiz at science and math. Not only is she good at it, she actually… wait for it… LIKES it. We were discussing high school this week and how students get to choose their own schedules and classes. “Wait…” she said. “You mean I get to take classes for fun?! I’m definitely taking a math and science all the time!” I’m really not sure who she gets this enthusiasm for the sciences from, but hey, its uniquely her.
Speaking of being unique… Our Ashlynn. Surprisingly, I don’t really have a handle on our youngest yet. Surprising because she’s the only baby that I’ve been with day in and day out since the day she was born. And yet, she’s an enigma.
When she’s feeling safe, usually in the comfort of her own home, she is an absolute riot. Loud and silly and rambunctious. Did I mention loud? In that regard, she is most definitely the youngest because the girl can make some noise. But the moment we’re in a new environment, she is serious and quiet. You can’t beg a smile from her. Regardless, I’m loving watching her personality come out more and more.
Today was one of the first times that I’ve witnessed the truly ugly side to Reagan and Hudson’s relationship. I’ve mentioned before that they’re either best friends or worst enemies. Today was the latter.
I asked what they wanted for lunch and both immediately asked for grilled cheese sandwiches. And not two seconds after they climbed into their seats, did Reagan lean across the table, put her face inches from Hudson’s, and said, “I don’t want you to have grilled cheese, Hudson!” I’ll let your imagination pick up there… Hudson didn’t take too kindly to it.
I feel like Reagan gets a bad rap sometimes. Both here and on social media. But the truth of the matter is this… She is a handful, plain and simple. One of our more trying children. BUT. She has a larger than life personality, and for every one instance of backtalk or tantrum, there are two to three examples of love and life personified. She is so fun and I’ve been so excited to watch her bloom these past few months.
In 12 days I leave for Nashville. And while I’m so very excited, and deep down, I know it’ll be a great experience, I really can’t help but worry that no one will like me. Isn’t that so like a woman? Insecurities creeping in and setting up home, when I really don’t have time or patience to be dealing with it right now. Especially when those same insecurities creep into other areas of my life.
I do have some specific prayer requests for this Nashville trip, and I’m going to list two of them here. If you feel so inclined, I’d love to have you praying these things with me…
- That I would be open to any new opportunities that may come along. That I would step back before answering yes or no, that I would take the time to discuss with Jon and pray before committing to anything new.
- That I would remember where my priorities should be. Its going to be easy to get caught up in the moment of being alone and getting my “me” tank filled. And while I’m going to soak in every moment of alone, the truth of the matter is that I’m coming home to five of the most precious blessings in my life. Blessings that get placed first, and should be treated as such.
There are other prayer requests but those will stay closer to my heart. But if you think of it, I’d love to have some prayer warriors joining me.
And with that, my “quiet” list of random is coming to a close. I guess it wasn’t as quiet as I thought it would be.