A Heart So Full

Sunday, January 08, 2012 9 Comments A+ a-


This week has been hard. HARD. Hard in a way that makes you want to wave a white flag and surrender.  I'm not sure to whom I'd have surrendered, but I just wanted to let someone know that I give up.  Hard in a way that makes me want to hand in my name badge and keys, because I don't want to do this anymore.

Every time we thought someone was over the crud, it would come back. With a vengeance. Over these past 8+ days, I'd say we've spent 65-75% of it in the bathroom, either being sick ourselves or cleaning up after the kids.

Yesterday I took my frustration with this virus out on the kitchen floor. I even used bleach to mop it. And I never use bleach in the kitchen. I also Lyesoled (What? You didn't know it was a verb?) every single surface in our house. I don't know if it worked, but no one's gotten sick in the past 24 hours. (Knocking on wood!)

All of that to say, that while it was a hard week, one that I don't care to repeat any time soon, it made me realize how very much I love my life.

I was laying Ashlynn down for a nap, rocking back and forth on my heels, running my fingers through her growing curls, and feeling her body get more relaxed. I laid her down and stroked her face a little when a feeling of overwhelming joy and peace filled my body.

I stared down at this precious girl, an amazing gift, and realized she has never known another caretaker in her life. The realization almost brought me to my knees.

All of my others had been cared for by my sisters and mom. And while I'm eternally thankful for that and for them, none of the older three had ever known me as a sole provider.  Something I'd mourned each time my maternity leave came to an end.  But not Ashlynn. She has had me since day one of her life.

I whispered a thank you to my God and went back into the living room where a sick Reagan wanted to be held.  And it was during that time that another thought came to me.

This was one of the first times that Jon and I hadn't argued who needed to call in sick the next day. There was no guilty feeling. No guilt in feeling like I should be at work, no guilt in wishing I was home. I was exactly where I was needed.

I worked outside the home the first six years I was a mom. It was hard, in a different way. But mostly, it was hard on my heart. I never knew how much I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom until they laid Devyn in my arms. The ache grew with the birth of each child. And I had no idea if that desire would ever be fulfilled. But He did. And I am all the more blessed because of it.

Yes, this week was hard. But I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for it. I'm grateful for the little insights I was given because they sustained me this week. I've waited a long time to be home with my babies, and every so often, I need to be reminded of that.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

9 comments

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6:53 AM delete

What a sweet post, Jenn. I hope you are all healthy now! And I'm glad you are able to stay at home with your Littles :)

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Jillian
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9:51 AM delete

What a sweet post. My A is the same way. I worked with Em but was blessed to stay home with A. And so happy you are over the awful sickness! Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!

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Jillian
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9:51 AM delete

What a sweet post. My A is the same way. I worked with Em but was blessed to stay home with A. And so happy you are over the awful sickness! Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!

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Lindsey
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11:31 AM delete

Glad you all are feeling better!! Such a sweet post- I felt thie same way after this week!

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Amber
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11:31 AM delete

Such a beautiful post Jenn!
I can't wait for the day that I am able to stay home with my kids (especially on those awful days that the kids are sick and I have to find someone to watch them, or I have to call in sick and I am fearful for losing my job.)
I am praying that all the sickness has completed its visit at your house and you are all on the road to health!! xo

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Jessica
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11:39 AM delete

so glad you are better! this post is very well written! glad im a new follower! and im secretly jealous you get to stay home! because i have guilt that i work. a lot of guilt. i hate it. anyway, again glad you are feeling better! :)

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Timmarie
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1:56 PM delete

Brought tears to my eyes. Our God always does immeasurably more.

Glad the crud is on it's way out.

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Cindy
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12:11 PM delete

Great post Jenn! I currently am a working mom who aches to be at home with my twins. It is great to see your story and know there is hope in our future for this. I also love reading how much you cherish this since it has not always been possible.

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Christine
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9:19 PM delete

Beautiful post Jenn, and it needs an "Amen!" Such a good reminder that being a stay at home mom is a gift that we don't all get to have. Glad you're all feeling better.

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