The hardest part of loving is saying goodbye.
I woke this morning with gritty eyes. The kind where your eyes throb and feel about 100lbs heavier, the kind that itch and ache. The kind born of a good cry; a good indication of how I spent my Sunday.
Its been an emotional weekend for my family and for those that know us in real life, know why. After 12 years, my mom and sister made the hard decision to put down our loyal, devoted, and loving dog Zeus. Its nearly impossible to describe all that Zeus meant to us, and I couldn’t even begin to do him justice.
But Courtney could. And she did here. (I’m warning you, have the tissues handy.)
I woke to this moving post yesterday morning and the tears started falling. And kept coming throughout the day. I had to stop and ask myself why this was affecting me so badly, after all, he really belonged to Mom and Courtney. But then as I let myself stop and ask that question, I realized.
- Saying goodbye to Zeus was saying goodbye to a time in our life. A time that was hard and scary. And he represented the start of something new and good in our family.
- It brought up some old wounds, a lot of old feelings and emotions. Things that while they’ve been dealt with and healed, are still tender and difficult to remember.
- It was the day before Devyn started 1st grade. My baby, in all day school, for the first time. My heart ached and mourned as I realized this was just the start of allowing her to grow into her own person.
- And how true it is that “the hardest part of loving is saying goodbye.”
Yesterday was a hard day. I was a mess of jumbled thoughts and emotions, crying over what was, what is, and what will be. How Courtney said goodbye to her best friend, I’ll never know. How my parents were able to drive away from Remuda Ranch and their sick daughter for months, I can’t begin to understand. How mothers can be happy for their children on high school graduation day, while their own heart is aching, I’ll someday find out.
I realize that it would be easy for one to close themselves up and protect their heart from such losses, and I can’t say that I would blame them. There are times, in the midst of heartache, that I’m half-tempted to do such a thing. But then I’d miss out on all the joy that life has to offer.
A joy that comes with watching your 6-year-old daughter find her name on a desk, the excitement in her eyes of setting up her desk with new school supplies, putting pencils and erasers under the lip of the desktop. A joy that comes with watching her greet classmates and her teacher with exuberance and delight.
Yes, I’ll take the goodbyes that come with loving because all the good far outweighs the pain.
Happy first day of 1st grade, Devyn Paige!