A Look Back…

Tuesday, April 26, 2011 3 Comments A+ a-

Christine and I have had numerous conversations about adjusting to becoming a mother of two.  I’ve assured her that every emotion and feeling is completely normal, that I had those emotions too.  And instead of rewriting a post that describes that time in my life, I thought I’d simply repost what I wrote in the moment.  This was originally posted in March of 2007, as I adjusted from one to two children.  It brought back every emotion, as though it was yesterday…

Phone calls, text messages, and emails have gone unanswered for weeks now. I want so badly to reach out and return family and friends well-wishes but I know they want to gush about my newborn and/or motherhood and I’m just not there yet.

When I had baby blues after having Devyn, I would cry at the drop of a hat. Jon often recounts the infamous story of walking in the house to find me sobbing in front of the TV, where moments earlier I had been fine. I know during that time I was mourning the loss of coupledom; knowing that Jon and I were no longer a twosome, the end of an era. Combine that with the inexperience of a new mother and you have a basket case on your hands. Within two weeks, the baby blues subsided and my joy in motherhood blossomed.

Here I am, entering my fourth week as a mother of two, and the baby blues have yet to dissipate. I’m not breaking into sobs, or even tears for that matter. These blues have left me feeling completely inadequate as a mother. All my confidence in my mothering skills has flown out the window and as I told Amy earlier this week, I feel like I’ve lost my mommy “mojo”. Three weeks and one day ago, I knew exactly what I was doing; I knew every one of Devyn’s cries and what they meant; if a temper-tantrum was being thrown, I knew exactly how to handle it; if Devyn was being extra fussy, I could pinpoint the exact reason why. At this point, I keep reaching blindly for the brake or an exit door, anything to help me make sense of the chaos.

There are moments of reprieve, however, in the form of my husband, family, a special moment, or the simple feeling that I’m not alone. A conversation with my friend, Sarah, forced me to recognize that I need to offer myself grace; that as a new mommy of two, I can’t expect perfection. On Wednesday, my parents took Devyn with them during a five-hour drive through the mountains, leaving me home alone with Hudson. I took the time to memorize my son’s face; to cuddle with his small, pliant body; to connect with him. I was/am so thankful that I got that time alone with him and it turned out to be a wonderful experience for Devyn too. It had been three long weeks without seeing her spirited, independent streak and I was only too thankful to see it return.

In all honesty, the baby blues haven’t left yet but I’m wavering between good and bad moments. There are the moments when I wish I could get into my car, roll down the windows, and take off on a long, winding interstate into the unknown. But then there are other moments when I feel so incredibly blessed that I’m humbled into tears of gratitude. I know I’ll get through this, just as I got through it the first time, but for the time being, I’m just trying to keep it real.

No one said motherhood was easy and when a loss of hormones has been added to the mix, you sometimes end up with this… So, for those of you waiting to hear from me, I promise it'll be soon. I just need a little extra time to gather my bearings and try to find my mommy "mojo" again.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

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Jessica
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1:27 PM delete

Jenn--what a wonderful post you wrote in 2007. I, too, felt many of the same emotions when baby #2 came along. It was hard going from 1 to 2. Trying to find a new 'normal' & getting into a new routine with 2 little ones was not always easy.

I will head over to Christine's blog & give her some reassurance that all of her feelings are normal & that everything will be ok. Hugs to her.

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Christine
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6:10 PM delete

Oh my goodness! I feel like I could have written this only replacing Devyn's name with Elliana's. I'm so glad I have you to relate to and get advice from. Thanks for sharing. Love you sis!

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6:32 PM delete

I love your honest posts, Jenn!

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