Bare, Open and Raw

Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5 Comments A+ a-

I alluded to the fact that God is working on me right now.  Its uncomfortable.  Squirm in my skin, uneasy, and an almost painful kind of uncomfortable.  I’ve noticed that whenever I’m living out the status quo, that’s when God comes in and works on me.  As much as I’d love to be left alone, I serve a God who is continually working in me, shaping me, and working out the kinks.  For that, as hard as it is, I am thankful.

I’ve been getting some good koshes on the head lately.  All my life I found my identity in something… daughter, sister, friend.  More titles came into play in high school, yearbook editor, girlfriend, then employee, fiance, wife, and now mother.  I suppose its human nature to identify ourselves in titles.  After all, I AM a wife and mother.  The danger comes in finding my identity in that alone.  And I find that God won’t be second to anything.

As I’ve focused my identity on these individual parts of me, I could feel pride sneaking into my soul.  If I’m going to identify myself as an employee, then I’m going to put all my focus and energy into that one area.  It would work for a while too… I had the passion, zeal, and abilities to be the best that I could be.  Then after a while, discontent, dissatisfaction would set in and I’d turn my energies to another area.  It has happened in every area of my life… Friendships, marriage, mothering, etc.

Lately I’ve been in such a funk and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong.  It wasn’t post-partum depression, though I’d certainly wondered.  And then the kosh came.  I’d been finding my identity elsewhere.

It was as though God was sitting patiently by, wondering when the light bulb was going to go on.  There is only one identity that matters and its in Him.  I am the daughter of the King.  That’s it and that’s all.  All the other titles, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend are second to that.  Instead of waiting on affirmations from others, which lets face it can bring us up and tear us down in the same moment, I need only keep my focus on Him.  He hasn’t let me down, and never will.  I need only rest in Him and His truth.

While I am loving this stage as Wife and Mom, I need constant reminders that is not my identity.  The only identity I need focus on is being a Child of God.  When I can keep my focus on that, everything else seems to fall into place.  Its funny how that works…

He is not done with me, and I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to write about during this time.  Thankfully, I am a work in progress and such a mess without Him.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

5 comments

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Neely
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2:53 PM delete

Really powerful post Jenn. Thanks for being so honest and open.

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Jillian
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3:51 PM delete

Great post!!

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aggiejenn
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7:06 PM delete

Thanks for being honest. I totally understand how you're feeling. It's good to be stretched and growing, but it's certainly not easy. Looking forward to more lessons you're learning!

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Kerbi
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8:26 PM delete

I have to say that you are amazing! Thank you for posting this.

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6:27 AM delete

Good post, Jenn! Good reminders! :)

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