The Space In-Between*

Thursday, November 04, 2010 6 Comments A+ a-

Ashlynn is currently straining against the confines of her home.  Every so often an elbow pushes out the side of my belly, or a knee implants itself at the very top, and more often than not, she pushes with all of her might so that her bottom sticks out, just begging for a caress.  Most evenings are spent with the two of us at my laptop, the kids are in bed and she keeps me company while I work on blog designs.  Its her most active time and I smile to myself as I watch the various movements press against my skin.  No matter that she’s my fourth child, it never ceases to amaze me the miracle that has taken place inside my body.

Right now, we’re in this space in-between, she and I.  We play the waiting game as contractions grow more frequent and become stronger.  We sit here and wonder when the time will come for her to arrive and we can finally get to know each other on the outside of my womb.  Its a new place for me, one I haven’t really been in before and I find the contradicting emotions a bit much to handle. 

With the other three children, I worked up until the day they were born.  The only times I wondered constantly about whether or not I was going into labor where night times and the weekends.  The hours of the days were occupied with thoughts of work, of preparing my office for my maternity leave and therefore I was kept busy laying out plans and making sure that all my work was caught up.  Yet this fourth time around, I find myself being a stay-at-home-mother and yes, while I am busy, there’s an underlying anxiousness as the thought of Ashlynn’s arrival is constantly on my mind.  I can’t help but feel like I’m going a little stir-crazy as I analyze each contraction and pain.

Not to mention the fact that I was a bit spoiled by Reagan’s early arrival.  Devyn set a precedent by arriving 10 days past her due date.  After that experience, I always had the expectation that I’d go late.  And there was no disappointment when Hudson arrived four days past his due date, it had been expected.  When we found out we were pregnant with Reagan, again I naturally assumed that she’d come late like her siblings.  Only that expectation was shattered when she arrived almost two weeks early.  And therein lies the danger of having a child arrive early.  The very thought of going to full-term, let alone going over my due date, seems a little cruel to me.  I fear that I’ll come undone if Ashlynn decides to follow her older two siblings and arrive late.

So here we sit, the two of us, in the in-between.  In-between the anticipation, eagerness, and impatience of holding my baby girl and trying to savor these last moments of it being just her and I.  These last moments of having life grow and flourish inside my own body.  I’m very aware that my days of being pregnant are coming to an end, that this phase of my life is coming to a close.  Its a bittersweet heartache as I experience the aches and pains of pregnancy in the third trimester for the last time, the last time that my child moves within me.  And so as anxious and excited as I am to meet her, I’m also mourning the end of this era and trying to memorize these last days.  This space in-between is hard on my heart, but I’m doing my best to soak it in.

*alternately titled… This Time, Its Different, Part II

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

6 comments

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Jen Jen Qld
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11:31 PM delete

What a beautiful post!

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4:58 AM delete

You just summed up my heart in this post. I am right there with you. Love you!

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Kimberly
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8:10 AM delete

I know exactly what you mean. My two girls arrived at 36 and 37 weeks. My doctor said she would consider letting me go to my due date if this baby acted differently. I can't even imagine waiting another 3-4 weeks when I'm used to early arrivals. We'll just have to wait and see. I hope little Ashlynn gives you a break and at least comes a little early. :)

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Dareth
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2:59 PM delete

Oh Jenn. What a beautiful post.
Hugs to you and your little people from me and my little people :)

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Marianne
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11:26 PM delete

Love you my friend:)

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Christine
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10:18 PM delete

Beautiful post Jenn! Good for you to soak it all in, even when these last few weeks are SO uncomfortable. I'm excited to meet little Ashlynn.

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