A Disappointing Morning

Tuesday, November 23, 2010 7 Comments A+ a-

Jon and I were up early this morning, from 1:30-3:30am, tracking contractions that were coming every two to three minutes and lasting at least a minute long.  I sat in a hot bath, aching for relief and fighting back tears on some of them.  We debated back and forth between the two of us, do we go in for another labor check?  Or should we wait?  This was a game my body’s been playing with me for weeks now, a game I’m not too fond of, and since we were heading to the hospital in a few hours to be induced anyway, I decided to go with my gut and wait.  We crawled back into bed, fell asleep (as I usually do), and the contractions went away on their own (like they always do).

I was awake a few hours later, answering texts about whether or not I was excited that this was the day, the day we got to meet to Ashlynn.  I was cautiously excited, warmed at the idea of holding my newest baby girl by the end of the night, and hopped in the shower.  I’d been given explicit instructions to call the hospital’s number at 6:30 to make sure everything was still set for our induction.  Yes, this was a scheduled induction, but we were also the first on the list to be bumped off if anything came up.  I was toweling off and getting dressed, thinking about where to find the sheet of paper with the hospital’s phone number on it, when my phone rang.  My heart sank.  I knew instantly what that meant and the voice at the other end confirmed it, the Birthing Center was full and I was no longer going to be induced that morning.  “Ok,” I thought to myself, “a minor set-back.”  I listened to the rest of the voice’s instructions and waited eagerly for my doctor’s office to open at 8:00 to find out the next stage of the plan.

Jon took the kids so I could try to sleep for another hour, texted with a friend who had intimate knowledge of the Birthing Center’s busyness, and prepared myself that I was probably looking at another day or two or three before getting on the schedule again for a second chance at induction.

I’d just fallen asleep when the phone woke me and I recognized my doctor’s number.  Dr. Susie’s voice registered through the phone and I fell into instant shock as she relayed the unhappy news.  Not later today, like she’d originally hoped, not tomorrow, nor Thursday, nor Friday.  The Birthing Center was booked solid and we were now looking at the end of next week!  Shock kept all emotion from my voice and all feeling from my heart, until Dr. Susie started prying into my real thoughts about this change of plans and then the dam burst.  Suddenly I was drowning in a sea of disappointment, pity, sorrow, and disbelief.  We talked through my tears about some other ideas and she ended the call that she’d call back later, and that she wanted me to get some rest.

I called Jon into the room and relayed the horrible news, hiccupping and sobbing my way through the conversation.  It was an ugly cry to end all ugly cries; the kind that makes the skin blotchy and red, the kind that swells your eyes shut, and you can feel the beginnings of the pounding migraine that will be your punishment for allowing such a pity party.  I sent off some texts explaining the situation, laid the phone next to the pile of used tissues on my nightstand, and allowed Jon to pull me into his embrace to fall asleep. 

I didn’t answer a single call during the next few hours, not from my mom, my sisters, or friends.  Some texted and offered a coffee date or lunch date, Mom wanted to know if I wanted to see a movie, but the idea of going out in public was just too much for me.  I had much to process, the least of which was my overall disappointment that I wasn’t going to be holding my baby girl by nightfall. 

As I laid next to Hudson during his nap time, a fresh perspective and understanding seeped into my heart.  I read news of another blogger, who was due the day after me, that the son she’d borne this morning was on oxygen and she’d yet to hold or see him.  I remembered my own inner-turmoil when we first started discussing induction.  And somehow both Jon and I had known that this was going to happen.  When we finally emerged from the bedroom after Hudson’s nap, I was at complete peace with the circumstances. 

For whatever reason, God firmly shut the door to inducing Ashlynn’s arrival, there wasn’t a doubt to be had that this wasn’t of His hand and His plan.  And as much pain as I’m in, as much as I detest the contractions that are bringing slow, almost non-existent, progress, I also know that each day inside is another day for her to grow and be ready for life on the outside.  I can honestly say that as horrible as this morning was, I am now in agreement with the change of plans; plans that we obviously really have no control over in the first place.  Who knows what these next days will bring…  Will I finally hurdle that wall and go into labor on my own?  Will my water break?  Or will she need a little help like her oldest sister did at 10 days past my due date?  But if you want to pray that God will grant my body a break from the contractions, I certainly won’t stop you.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

7 comments

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Joanna Noel
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7:21 AM delete

My prayer for you today dear is that the Lords will would be done! He knows just what is needed!

XOXO

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LDraper
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7:36 AM delete

Praying for you now... That you would continue to abide in God's perfect peace. And also that your water would break NOW! Hey... It can't hurt to ask, right?! :)

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Jillian
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9:02 AM delete

Just started following you on twitter:) We have some twitter friends in common! @maninablackjeep

I am so sorry to hear about this! I know how hard it is at the end and all you want to do is hold your baby! But you are right God has a plan for you and that baby:) But it's hard to be patient:)

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Tamara
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7:55 PM delete

Praying for you, hon. From experience, I know there aren't many words that can ease what you're going through. I'm here if you need anything. I'm sure you've tried everything, but you have my doula toolbox of kick-starting labor ideas if you want them.

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CBD
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5:51 PM delete

I'm sorry it's been a tough wait but you're right when it's the Lord's timing, it's the Lords timing. Hoping you have had a nice Thanksgiving!

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Christine
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9:06 PM delete

Love you. I know it's been a hard month, and I know you're so anxious to be done and to hold Ashlynn, but I agree that God has a reason for wanting you to wait... however much longer. I'm hoping and praying that you go into labor on your own and SOON!

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AndiMae
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6:19 PM delete

Oh, Jenn! You have been on my heart so much since I read this post. Really really praying that your sweet girl comes soon and that God gives you an overwhelming amount of peace + rest + grace until then! Love you!
xo

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