Dang it!!

Friday, April 16, 2010 7 Comments A+ a-

Dang it! He was right. Again. And its not that I don’t mind admitting when I’m wrong and he’s right, its just such a huge pill to swallow when I threw such a fit about it in the first place.

For those that have been reading my blog for any length of time, know that I experience bad post-partum depression after the births of my babies. And I’m very reliant on my little blue pills to even out my hormone levels. It’s not that they’re a crutch for me, or provide any kind of false emotional stability or highs; they simply make everything balanced. I am myself on those pills; I’m able to function with some sense of normalcy. And that is everything to me. I’ve been off those little blue pills for almost three weeks now, since we discovered that I’m pregnant.

So the loss of my “balance” combined with big life changes such as leaving a job I’ve worked at for ten years and an unexpected pregnancy, plus having Jon go to Denver for a week for training and dealing with 1st trimester’s exhaustion and nausea made for the perfect storm. And man, did it pour.

Wednesday night was my breaking point. I’d felt it building for a few days, the feelings of being completely overwhelmed and under-qualified. Feelings of inadequacy and feeling I was in over my head, combined with the added pressure of doing it all “myself” were too much. And I had a meltdown. Complete with an ugly cry.

I was on the phone with Jon, pouring my gut out to him, when the crying started. Poor Devyn and Hudson, unsure of what to do with a crying mom, decided to join in. Hudson crawled into my lap and bawled his little eyes out; Devyn asked if I was dying. And then I realized that I had scared the poor children and needed to pull it together. I got off the phone and dumped all three kiddos into a bath, assuring them that Mommy was ok. (And gosh darn it, I WAS ok. I’m allowed moments now and then, right?!)

But wouldn’t you know it, not ten minutes later my phone rang and I didn’t even have to look at the caller ID to know who it was. Yep. My mother. I cursed Jon under my breath and answered the phone to orders to pack up and head down to their house. You can bet I fought it. After all, I’m 30 years old, mother of three and one in the oven. I’m an adult and surely, I can handle even this. I fought it for a good hour or two. I even called Jon and gave him an earful.

But then cooler heads prevailed, and I realized that even if the only positive thing to come out of moving to my parents’ house those last few days was a peace of mind for Jon, well then, that was good enough for me. And so I packed all four of us up, complete with children in pjs and hair still wet from their bath, and the pack ‘n play, and headed down to my parents. I called Jon on the way, told him I was going (albeit with bad feelings), and then asked him why he thought I needed to do this. His response? “Jenn, I know you better than you know yourself. You NEED this.” I hmpfed and hung up.

But you know what? The most irritating thing about this whole week? He was right. I did need it; I needed their extra hands and support. And I know he’s reading this with a self-satisfied smile on his face because I finally admitted he was right.

Dang it!!

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

7 comments

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Courtney
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3:01 PM delete

I just laughed out loud at Devyn thinking you were dying. Sorry not funny, but kind of is.
Glad you went home!

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Jody
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6:08 PM delete

I laughed a little bit at this post. But I do hope that things are going better for you. I only have one kid and could not imagine how it would be with 3 and one on the way. Hope that time at your parents is giving you some much needed relaxation.

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Dareth
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11:02 AM delete

There is great comfort in knowing he knows you even from a distance.
Even though it's irritating...enjoy the comfort.

I am so glad he is your husband :)

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Katie
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3:15 PM delete

Darn those wonderful husbands who love us so! Hope this week is better for you. PLEASE let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out!

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Paula
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1:35 PM delete

Glad for his wisdom and parents to help!! Rest and help is so needed sometimes!!

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Wendy
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6:22 PM delete

There's something really wonderful about someone knowing what you need, and wanting what is best for you. I'm glad you went. We all need that at times.

So good to know we don't have to do this parenting thing alone. God gives us grace, and more grace.

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Christine
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7:42 PM delete

I had no idea this was going on. I wish you had called. I would have been happy to help. Poor Devyn, thinking you were dying. It is a little funny. I hope being at Mom and Dad's helped a lot.

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