Wrestling With Myself

Saturday, March 13, 2010 6 Comments A+ a-

I’m struggling… have been for about a week now… longer than that, truth be told. I’ve tried brushing it off, sweeping it under the rug, and have even talked to a few friends to no avail. I’ve been trying to pinpoint the exact reason for my discontent, tossing ideas out there, reasoning and wrestling with myself, and all I can come up with is a mess of disjointed thoughts.

I even contemplated against writing this post. However, to follow through on that train of thought would be a rarity for me. First and foremost, this blog is a journal of sorts. Granted many family and friends, even strangers, read it, but I have always stayed true to the course of this being a chronicle of my life. All of it, the good, the bad, and yes, even the ugly. To not post what I’m currently going through, to not share my thoughts, would in fact be untrue to who I am or why this blog exists.

Remember the post where I mentioned that some things are happening in our lives right now? I’d love to go into detail, but I just can’t. Not yet. I can only say that it is big and it will greatly impact our life as we now know it. But beyond that, its forcing an identity crises of sorts and I find myself wondering who am I? How do I define myself? Where does the line of Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Friend and Coworker end, and just Jenn pick up? And if none of those titles define me, then what does? A Daughter of the Living King? Well, yes, of course. A Sinner? Yes, again. But they’re titles too. At the heart of me, at the very core of who I am, what defines me? And after much reflection and contemplation, will I like what I come up with?

I don’t have any answers; I’m still searching.

It’s amazing to me how I manage to jump from one thought process to the next. I can’t tell you how many times when Jon and I have been in mid-conversation and I’ve jumped to another subject matter. Jon is left looking perplexed, and I giggle in embarrassment as I try to explain how my thought process took us from Point A to Point B. Just understand that it’s that very thing that has brought me to my next point. Jump with me, will ya?

I was tweeting with a twitter friend in Florida about the book The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. It is a great book and I highly recommend it to new and experienced couples alike; I believe I even wrote about it before. My love language is Words of Affirmation, hands-down, with Acts of Service coming in second. I can’t begin to tell you how a kind, affirming word from someone will warm my spirit and last me a long, long time in having my “love tank” kept full.

However, I’m finding that this love language is a double-edged sword for someone dealing with pride. Each compliment, each kind word, each affirmation feeds into my spirit an attitude of entitlement. I deserve to have those things said about because I did a, b, or c. Of course, it was my talent or my selfless attitude that brought those accolades. Instead of simply turning it around and giving it to God, instead of giving God the glory, it feeds into a very selfish, very prideful nature of mine. I’m struggling to find the balance between taking an affirming word at face value and letting it grow bigger into a pride issue.

So there you have it, the deep thoughts and convictions that I’m working through in my heart. I told you it was sporadic and disjointed. What I do know is that I’m shifting uncomfortably in my seat as God is working in me, coming to grips with some long-neglected heart issues and dealing with them.



I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

6 comments

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Amanda
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1:20 PM delete

Hi there,
I am so impressed by your honesty! There are lots of things I would like to write about on my blog, but I don't dare... things like pride, jealousy, struggles, and identity. I don't know why I can't open up and write those things-- I wish I could. I totally hear you on the Love Languages. Mine is Receiving Gifts (kind of embarassing to admit; sounds greedy!), and it is so hard because I understand love through gifts, but at the same time I feel guilty receiving them. My runner-up is Words of Affirmation, and so often I feel like I "earn" those words, and it's disappointing/frustrating when they don't come.
Thank you for being so open and honest! Hopefully someday I can do the same!

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Paula
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5:49 PM delete

Jenn~I understand in sorts. For me it is not so much that I expect it (or maybe I do) but it would be nice to have a pat on the back some days. It would be nice for some one to say,"WOW...you ROCK!! You do so much!" I know I shouldn't and that is totally full of pride, but I do.
Jenn~I think it is normal to feel that way. Thank you for sharing.

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Stacey
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9:41 AM delete

God is about a mighty work in you, sister.

Love you!

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Dareth
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2:18 PM delete

I am in total agreement with Stacey.

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10:46 PM delete

I think all mommies have an identity crisis once or twice in thier lives. I went through the same thing. It was a hard time for us but God brought us through it to the other side. I'll be praying that you'll find peace and knowledge to the answers you may be seeking. We did the 5 love languages too my is definielty hands down acts of service.

I'll be praying for ya girl and thanks so much for my awesome blog!

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Christine
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7:52 PM delete

You've said a lot of what I've felt over the past couple of years. Being a performer I can certainly understand the trap of compliments and encouraging words! I will pray for your big decisions- and your little ones!

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