Again

Saturday, October 03, 2009 4 Comments A+ a-

It snuck up on me this time. Not necessarily on Jon; he's been watching me very closely since Reagan's birth. To the point that it was driving me crazy. He'd pounce on any symptom (real or imagined) and ask if I was feeling all right. I'd roll my eyes, sigh, and answer that I was fine.

And truthfully, for the first eight months of Reagan's life there was no post-partum depression in sight. Of course, I'd been on Z*loft since I was eight months pregnant. A precautionary step to avoid the deep depression I had after Hudson. And it seemed to be working.

The six-month mark loomed over my head, as the depression got so much worse at that time with both Devyn and Hudson. Yet six months passed without a bump and I breathed a sigh of relief. Whatever we did differently this time seemed to be working.

Two more months passed and Jon started begging me to call the doctor. "I'm fine," I'd reassure him. "I'm doing great." Yet Jon was insistent that I wasn't, that I was "off". I refused to listen, after all, who knew myself better than me?! So I'd had a bad day, we're all allowed a bad day now and again.

Soon my mom and sisters were asking if I was ok, wondering if something was wrong. I was starting to feel suffocated. "I am fine!" I'd shout at them. It was true, I'd tell myself. This is nothing like what I'd felt with Hudson. But no one was buying my story. Jon even went as far as to call my doctor himself. Yet when Dr. Susie called me, I reassured her (laughing the whole time) that I was fine, that Jon was just a little sensitive due to how bad it got with Hudson. She was doubtful, you could hear it in her voice, but she took my word for it.

Then this week it hit me, hard, right between the eyes. I was not so fine after all.

I was spacey, vacant, and all-together not with it. I'd misplaced my purse and didn't notice it missing until five days later. And I had no clue where it was. I was forgetting everything, even the dedication of my best friend's baby. Then the anxiety started, the smallest thing would send me into a whirlwind of worry. That one small thing grew in my mind until I was so overwhelmed that I was paralyzed by my worry. It was when Devyn shouted at me, "Mama, talk to me!" that I realized I had completely spaced out mid-conversation with her and had no idea what question she'd asked.

I called the doctor that very day and we agreed that my dosage needed to be upped. I've been on the higher dose since Wednesday and truth be told, I don't feel the difference yet. But that's to be expected, it can take anywhere from 7-10 days for it to take effect.

I can't tell you how thankful I am for a husband and family that are vigilant in watching out for me; who aren't afraid to call it like they see it, even at the risk of offending me. Truthfully, its not nearly as bad as it was with Hudson. Mostly the anxiety is what is paralyzing me, but there doesn't seem to be any true depression in sight. And I know I'll be ok, that's the beauty of having gone through this before. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. And I will come out on the other side.

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I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

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Kamma
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7:19 PM delete

I love you, Jennifer Lynn <3

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Stacey
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10:48 PM delete

praying for you sweetie!

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Anonymous
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8:36 AM delete

Jenn. This made me cry. I love you friend. I've never stuggled with ppd but I've been depressed. I ONLY share this because I didn't have that support and never got the help I needed and it was hell.
Thank you God for giving Jenn a family who loves her enough to push this with her, because sometimes that is what we need. Thank you Jesus for her husband who loves her so much. Thank you for her sisters who are her best friends. Thank you for giving them insight to see what Jenn couldn't. Lord, protect Jenn. I pray in faith that you will heal her, that you will be the light at the end of this tunnel.

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Anonymous
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6:47 AM delete

Jenn, I am proud of you for calling the doctor and admitting things weren't right. It WILL be better, honey. It will. I am praying for you. We are here for you and love you.
Love, Mom

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