The Ugly Side

Tuesday, September 22, 2009 4 Comments A+ a-

My Devyn Paige,

I love our bedtime chats. I love staring at the smattering of freckles across your nose and cheeks. I love the green of your eyes, and the way the amber flecks light up when you're happy or excited. But most of all, I love the insight into who you are as a person. I love the glimpses of your heart and soul, and in those moments, my love for you consumes me. You are so beautiful, Devyn Paige, from the inside out.

But last night you asked a question during our bedtime chat and my heart fell; it actually broke a little.

We'd been talking about our neighbors, about making cookies and delivering them to each neighbor's house. "Mama," you asked. "Why doesn't his mommy live with him and his daddy?" And just like that, I knew my answer was going to take away some of the innocence your daddy and I have tried so hard to protect.

I explained as best I could, Paige. Giving you an honest answer, using words that you'd understand, trying to simplify a very complex topic, all the while wishing I didn't have to tackle this issue with you yet. I could see the wheels in your head turning, trying to process why mommies and daddies would stop loving each other. There were no dancing flecks of amber as your eyes grew sad and thoughtful. At one point, tears shimmered in your eyes, but they refused to fall, as you asked, "But why, Mama?" And that, Love, is something I don't have an answer for.

We were nearing the end of our chat, but I could see you needed some reassurance. As I tucked you in, I knelt beside your bed and traced my fingers along your cheek. I wondered at how you've grown, remembering when I could cup your head in the palm of my hand. I leaned in and whispered into your ear. "Your daddy and I love each other very much. We are committed to each other and our family, Devyn Paige. We made promises to stay together and we will." I leaned back and smiled into your face. Such a sense of relief in your eyes and you smiled back.

I kissed you good-night, turned off your light, and made it to the hall before tears pricked my own eyes. This life is not easy, its very hard. There are many ugly sides to it and your daddy and I have done our best to shelter you and your brother and sister from as much of it as possible. But tonight, Miss Paige, a little of your innocence was lost.

And it broke my heart.

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I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

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Jennisa
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7:38 AM delete

I totally understand this post. For 6 years we trained up and protected our sweet Avery from worldly things. And, since going to public schools, a little of that innocence is lost. It is such a hard thing to come to grips with, and a daily struggle wondering if I should have homeschooled...but, I don't feel called to do that....I guess we just have to be that safe haven and Godly home that will counteract all of the worldly things....it's still very hard though.

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Courtney
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10:20 PM delete

I tagged you with a blogging award and you have to do it because I'm your sister and I said so!

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Anonymous
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11:24 PM delete

It must be in the air; I had the same conversation with my little one lately. --Christina

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Anonymous
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5:26 PM delete

I just finished reading this blog entry, munchkin, and there are tears in my eyes.....really. Tears for two reasons: One, because God has given you such a gift for writing and putting life, faith, and emotions into words. Two, because Devyn losing her innocense in such a question breaks my heart too. We want to shelter our little ones from the big things in life as long as we can, keep them tender and trusting the Lord for everything....divorce is such a hard thing to explain to little ones. You did a wonderful job, honey. May we all cultivate that innocense as long as we can. Thank you for your gift of writing, honey.
I love you,
Mom =)

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