This Journey

Thursday, July 02, 2009 6 Comments A+ a-

There's something about a specialist expressing concern that seems scarier, as opposed to a general practitioner. The specialist sees these cases day-in and day-out, this is a specialist's area of expertise, they know when to be worried. And as the specialist faced us on Tuesday morning, I felt my stomach drop out from underneath me.

We've been on this roller coaster for over 22 months now. As we reviewed Hudson's history, each question I answered brought to memory each time we proactively pursued a solution for Hudson's lack of growth.

His weight starting falling off his curve at six months, which coincidently is the same time he started crawling. Chalk it up to an active boy. His 9-month check-up came and went, and still Dr. Susie was not overly concerned. "He's an active little guy, isn't he?" We exchanged knowing smiles, after all, he'd just started walking a month earlier.

Then came the 1-year check-up and there was still not a significant growth. "I'm sending you to a nutritionist," Dr. Susie said. "I know you guys are doing the best you can, but let's see what recommendations the nutritionist can give you." We went and with each suggestion, I nodded in the affirmative, that yes, we're already doing that for his diet. We left with a longer list of high fat food items to add to our list and proceeded to follow a high-fat diet for the next nine months.

At Hudson's 21-month check-up, Dr. Susie frowned at the numbers on the scale. "Jenn," she said, "We need to be a little more aggressive with this." I hugged Hudson tighter to my chest. "I want to run a blood panel on him and rule out some things." I tousled his blond curls and nodded my agreement, not trusting myself to speak without crying. After the vials were drawn and his tears were dried, she clicked her pen closed and patted me on the shoulder. "We should have the results in a few days. In the mean time, let's start giving him two pediasures a day. Its an extra 500 calories and I have no doubt we'll see huge improvement."

Those were the longest two days of waiting. I battled against the thoughts that threatened to consume me, fears that something more serious was wrong. I shook as I hastily answered the first ring. Caroline, Dr. Susie's nurse chirped. "Everything looks great, Jenn. All the blood work came back normal." I sagged against the couch in relief.

Six more months continued, drinking two pediasures a day. Hudson a little more finicky regarding his food and choosing when/where/what he eats. I chalked it up to the age and was thankful that at least he was drinking his pediasures without a problem every day. Jon reassured me, family reassured me, friends, and even strangers reassured me. "He's just small, look at his mother." "He's so healthy and such a boy. Does he ever sit still?!" "Look at that arm! He's going to be in the major leagues someday." "He'll shoot up, I wouldn't worry about it." And I didn't.

Then I got a message, telling me I had to bring Hudson in for a weight check. And all the fears came flying back. I swallowed the panic as Hudson clung to me and cried when it was his turn to climb on the scale. Then I anxiously watched the numbers and knew we hadn't done enough. It was time for us to take him to the specialist.

On Tuesday it was deja vu all over again as Hudson climbed my body to get away from the big, bad scale. No amount of comfort or cajoling would allow Hudson to sit on the scale without crying. And when the nurse announced the number, my heart sank again. He'd lost another 5-7 ounces.

The specialist continued, talking about statistics and charts, his concern about Hudson's BMI, his doubt that hormones are to blame, he talked about absorption issues, the words "malnutrition" and "malnourished" were used. I sat there watching my Hudson "vroom-vroom" his car all over the examining table, seemingly unaware and unaffected by the conversation that was literally tearing his mom to pieces.

Two weeks we wait for the results. Two weeks of not knowing, of wondering, of worrying. And two weeks of praying. Praying for answers, praying for peace of mind, praying for strength. I could let this paralyze me. Heaven knows that in the past, its taken much less to bring me to a point of paralysis. Satan has already tried using the dark hours of early morning to bring me to tears over worry for Hudson. And I won't lie, I succumbed. But no more.

As a friend pointed out, this little boy was given to me for a reason. If for no other reason than to be his advocate, to be his protector, to be his comfort. We will find answers, we will get to the bottom of this, and we will come out stronger on the other end.

And between today and two weeks from now, I'll be treasuring our early morning cuddles before his sisters wake.


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I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

6 comments

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Lange Mom :o)
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1:18 PM delete

I have tears reading this! You word the situation as if we are there in your worry and pain. I agree that God has given EACH of our children for a reason!!! Hudson was placed with you for a reason. I am anxiously going to wait two weeks like you and Jon for some sort of answer. Thansk Jenn for sharing. I love you!!!!
Auntie Bernie

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Amber L.
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1:33 PM delete

Hey Jenn! I'm sorry you guys are having to go through this. There's nothing worse then worrying about your childs health. You are right to be reassured that Hudson is in God's hands and that he has great plans for him. I will be praying for some answers, but more immportantly that you guys have a peace about the whole thing. I have a few friends who are dealing with similar issues, so it sounds like it is really common. Maybe in our world of obesity people are shocked to see a child so little, who is completely normal and healthy.

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Tamara
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4:44 PM delete

That-a-girl.

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Jaime
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9:54 PM delete

Ahhh Jenn, praying for you! Please, don't give in to fear and doubt---I know it's easy when it involves your own children, but God knows your little Hudson better than anybody, and you can trust Him! I'll be praying for your peace of mind, and also for Hudson!

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O Mama Mia
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11:05 PM delete

God's got you, girl. He's got Hudson too. And I'm holding you tight in my prayers, mama.
luv u!!

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CPT Mom
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2:27 PM delete

So proud of you, Jenn. It's ok to be scared. Keep taking your worries to the Lord. There's no place safer to leave them.
Much love to you.

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