Taking Heart

Sunday, June 21, 2009 2 Comments A+ a-

Why me, Father? What made you look down upon this whole, wide earth and point at me? Why did you choose me to mother these three beautiful babes? Did you really feel I was up to the task? Because truth be told, I'm brought to my knees by the magnitude of this job. I am rendered speechless numerous times throughout the day by simple, everyday moments.
 

I was caught up in the story of Esther, I waited in anticipation as we delved into the history of the book. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw him. I looked up, a little annoyed at having my study time interrupted. It was nearly impossible to finish a quiet time when I had little ones awake and needing attention. Yet in spite of bleary eyes, he was joyful at seeing me. He ran to me and folded himself into my lap. There we sat, just him and I. I stroked his naked arm, his rosy cheeks. I tousled his hair and he burrowed deeper into my embrace. Then my darling son leaned up and kissed me full on the lips. Esther could wait.
 
Do you see Father? I never thought a simple kiss would shatter my heart so. Look, do you see? There it lies in a million pieces. It is humbling to be loved this much, to know that I am everything to that little man. This love, my love for him, is all-consuming. Help me. I want to be the best mother he deserves, but I don't know how.
 
She was fighting it again. The cries had swiftly turned into wails and no matter what position I put her in, or how I jiggled her, she did not want to go to sleep. She arched her back against me, desperate not to fall to asleep. And I, equally as desperate, that she would. I finally placed her at my breast, hoping that it would calm her down. I stared at her, playing with her fingers and staring into her blue eyes. There was the smile I so loved to see. And with each passing moment, her eyes grew heavier until they no longer stayed open. I kissed each eye and rested my cheek against her soft baby hair. I stayed that way until I, too, joined her in slumber.
 
We dedicated her today, Lord. Everything Pastor Jim said is true, Reagan is such a blessing and a gift. We promised today that we'd raise her in a household that speaks highly and often of you, that we would do all we could to bring her to a relationship someday with you. Our promises seem so inadequate in light of the task placed before us.
 
I packed popcorn and blankets, put on shoes, and ushered everyone into the van. Jon was spending his fifth night in a row working on his broken-down truck and I wanted to give him an evening of quiet. The local mall was playing Madagascar and we set our blankets on the lawn. As dusk fell over the courtyard, I was surrounded by little bodies. Devyn at the foot of me, snuggled under the blankets; Reagan beside me; and Hudson sat in my lap. Each time Devyn leaned over to whisper to me, I could smell the licorice on her breath. As Hudson snuggled in closer, I kissed his temple and instantly tasted the sting of insect repellent. And sweet Reagan was noisily sucking on her pacifier. It was a good night.
 
God, I don't think my heart has ever felt so full. All those sights, smells, and tastes are universally summer and childhood, and I'm experiencing it all again through them. I realize how lucky I am! Each of them is so different, having different temperaments, gifts, and needs. How am I supposed to know and meet them? Do you trust me with this task?
 
Rarely does a day go by that she did not humble me, my perceptive, sensitive one. And tonight was no exception. There she knelt, her hands folded across the bed, praying just like the girl in the book. She specifically asked to pray like that, instead of our usual cuddle time in bed. Without a word or prodding from me, her words flowed into prayer. I sat on her bed, looking down at my kneeling daughter, and I was overcome by her. I teared up when she told Jesus that she'd missed him and that she hoped he'd visit tonight. With a quick amen, she jumped back into bed and once again tried conning me into reading another book.
 
I fear, Lord, that Devyn has taught me more about faith than I have her. I'm not sure that's the way its supposed to be. I have no doubts that your hand is on her life, you show me over and over again in our daily interactions. I fear of doing her a disservice, of not knowing enough or teaching enough.
 
Beyond my doubts and fears, lies a grateful and awed heart. For somehow, in all your infinite wisdom and mercy, you pointed at me and said, "I choose you." In spite of all my human failures, you gave me three of the most beautiful babes and I am reminded to take heart in the every day moments. This time will fly by all too soon...

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

2 comments

Write comments
Christine
AUTHOR
8:28 PM delete

Beautiful. We all find our task humbling and near impossible. You've expressed the joy, the awe, the anxiety well. Trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding...

Reply
avatar
Katie
AUTHOR
8:17 AM delete

Sweet post. How often do we feel inadequate as mamas... but mostly out of pure awe and love at the creatures God has entrusted to our care... and that's just it. He pointed and chose us. And He knows what He's doing.
Thanks for sharing.

Reply
avatar