Weighing the Scales

Monday, February 25, 2008 12 Comments A+ a-

With what seems like a second baby-boom, Jon and I are inundated with news of friends and family that are expecting little ones. At last count, we have 18 family and friends expecting little bundles of joy this year. With each announcement, and the fact that Hudson just turned 1, my baby fever has reached an all-time high. However, things are a little different this time around.

When Jon and I were dreaming of the reality of Devyn and Hudson, there was really very little thought, logic, or pro vs. con lists put into the decision-making process. We wanted to be parents, we wanted to have little ones running around, and so we moved into the action stage. Luckily, and I know this is not the case for everyone, we did not have to wait long to see two pink lines in the window. And thus began our journey into parenthood…

Then we had the discussion (correction: discussions – plural) of the number of children that would be best for our family. Since I grew up in a family of four and I love the loudness and chaos of my family, I always thought four children would be the perfect number. Jon, on the other hand, grew up in a family of three and felt that three kids were more than enough. Truth be told, Jon would be more than okay with stopping right now. And thus the agreement that three was a good compromise and three children it was going to be…

… until the past few months. I want three, my whole heart, my whole being cries out for another child. But I am forced to admit that it might not be the best thing for our family. I have dealt with post-partum depression for over a year now. Such was not the case with Devyn. My post-partum with Devyn didn’t start until she was six months old and tapered off by the time she turned one. However, this time around, it started as soon as Hudson was born and I’m still very reliant on those little, pink pills to balance my moods. In fact, to be honest, the thought of stopping the anti-depressants bring on mini-panic attacks. I’ll be anxious to have a heart-to-heart with my doctor at my annual appointment next month.

And since post-partum supposedly gets worse with each pregnancy (and this is the case with me so far), am I playing with fire if I had a third? I don’t know. I just have to stop and wonder if I’ll be the kind of mother that Devyn and Hudson deserve, while battling post-partum (and what could be worse post-partum) with a newborn.

I don’t have answers and I’m not asking for answers at this point. I just know that Jon and I are being so very careful with this decision. It’s really foreign to us; usually we just make a decision and act on it. We’ve never been so logical, put so much thought, or been so careful in a decision-making process. (Surprise, surprise for those that know us intimately; we’re usually emotional decision makers.) I know that it’s good that we’re not jumping headfirst into a decision; I know that taking this decision month-by-month is the wisest thing that we can do at the moment. It’s just a very weird feeling.

And I’m sad that Hudson may have been my last pregnancy. If I’d had any inkling that Hudson was going to be my last pregnancy, I feel like I would have cherished it so much more than I did. I would have embraced each moment, knowing that it would’ve been the last. My gut says that a third child will be in our future, whether we wait longer between Hudson and the last, or maybe I won’t breastfeed my third to help with the post-partum hormonal imbalance, or maybe we’ll even adopt. I don’t know. I just know that if we don’t have a third child, it won’t be for lack of wanting them; it’ll be for the sake of our family as a whole.

I’m no closer to any answers, but here are our thoughts and our feelings, at the moment, on having another one.


I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

12 comments

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Simonga.
AUTHOR
5:07 PM delete

have a nice week.
:)

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Stacey
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10:00 PM delete

Sweetie - what a huge burden on your heart. I will be praying for you for peace in this....

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Anonymous
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7:30 AM delete

It sounds as though a third child will be in your future. I have three and was worried about the decision about being done or not. I didn't want to have regrets. We made the decision about being done and I have been a peace about it and feel it was the right one, but I never got that desire for another one. If I had that strong desire, I would probably take it as a sign that I'm not done.

I have a much bigger space between my 2nd and 3rd, and that has been a blessing. Just keep praying about it and try not to be too stressed about it. Who knows where you'll be down the road--you might have a totally different outlook.

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Sarah
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7:45 AM delete

you know you have my full support for however the Lord leads. There is no magic number and jumping on a bandwagon of some sort is absolutely the wrong reason to have another child. This is between you guys and the Lord and I just know He will give you both the answer you are looking for if you continue to seek Him.
Love, Sarah
p.s. Belly pictures are coming soon!

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CPT Mom
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10:07 AM delete

Jenn,
I love and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.

The best news is that the Lord will reveal his answer in His time.

Just continue to enjoy each day with your family...no matter how big.

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Amy
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10:44 AM delete

Oh, I hear you!! We're just setting that decision on the back burner for now. But it is a tough one. It is exciting, however, that God know your heart best of all and will lead you in the right direction. You can trust him on that one...:) love you!

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crystal
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11:09 AM delete

All in Gods own time. I learned that lesson. We were done after two no more...God decided different. And the third one, no matter how hard my post partum has been (and he is nearly a year old and I still have it), has been the best blessing God could have ever given me. Everyones situations are different and everyone has to make their own decisions. But the best advice I ever received about anything is to turn it over to God. Put it in his hands and remember that he will never give you more than you can carry. I have to remind myself of that every day.."He knows I can handle this."

While I agree with the others, It definately sounds like one in your future, I am a firm believer in Gods time. Thank You again for your honesty.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

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11:58 AM delete

You have no idea (or I guess you do!) how much I understand this post. I could have written it myself (except I come from a family of two and Justin from a family of three kids). Now is definitely not the time in my life to make the decision! I know exactly how you feel is all I'm saying.

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Mary Hess
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12:26 PM delete

Jenn,
I totally understand your thought process. We were the same way up until now. We finally did decide (mostly because of my age) that a 3rd baby was not an option so I'm having my tubes tied tomorrow. That will make it pretty final. I'm a little sad. So I understand your struggle. Praying for you and Jon as you trust in the Lord for this.

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Amazing Racer
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9:04 PM delete

Love your honesty.

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Christina
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10:34 AM delete

Thank you for sharing your heart. Whatever you choose I know it will be Spirit led.

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Paula
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12:10 PM delete

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Trust in these words Jenn!!

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