Treading LightlyIt is with a heavy heart that I begin this post. It’s a post that has been brewing for some time and I am now at the point where the words are building up, demanding to be given a voice. I’ve been on my knees, begging for the right words, the right attitude, and the right tone. I placed a call to a special woman, asking for her permission to write this post. And so, with the understanding that my sister gets full editing rights, I will attempt to tackle a subject that is heavy on my heart right now.
Whenever someone confides in me that they’re having a hard time getting pregnant, or have recently experienced a miscarriage, I feel at a loss for words. I tread carefully when broaching this subject; I tiptoe through a mine field of wrong words, no matter how well-intentioned they are, because I have no idea how they’re going to be taken.
My sister, Christine, and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now. A year is short by most women’s standards, however, Christine suffers from a disease call Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, also known PCOS, and does not ovulate. She is currently on her second cycle of Clomid (an infertility drug to help her ovulate) because the first cycle on Clomid did not even work. It has been an incredible opportunity to travel this journey with her. She has been transparent in most of her struggles with her body; laying bare her most fervent desire to be a mother; feelings of betrayal by her body; being afraid that her prayer requests will never be answered; to finally laying down the thermometer and laying it all at God’s feet. It has broken my heart to see the fear and pain in her eyes, each time her hope has risen that maybe, just maybe, her body has life growing inside, to those hopes dashed when it turns out that ovulation did not even occur. It is so hard to see my sister struggle with something that is so dear to her heart, to the point that I would take this struggle upon myself if I could.
Currently, she is doing well, she is at peace. She has laid this struggle, this fight, at God’s feet. She and her husband have sought counsel with pastors and their wives; they’ve been prayed over and anointed with oil. She is calm in what could be a very vicious struggle for faith and I’m amazed at her ability to keep looking to our Lord, not always understanding His ways but having assurance that He has her best interests at heart. Even now, she is playing the waiting game, waiting to see which path God has chosen for her.
Oh my friends, I have no answers for you; I only have one thing to offer you. Hope. While it may feel that your body has failed you, take heart that nothing can happen without permission from God. For whatever reason, whether that reason may or may not be revealed to you, God has chosen you for this journey. He has placed you on this path and He is not resistant to your fear, your pain, or your anger. He is walking beside you and holding your hand through each disappointment and trial and rejoices with you in each triumph. When you sit on the bathroom floor, mourning the loss of your baby, know that He is sitting there with you, His heart is breaking with yours. He longs to hold you in His embrace; He wants to help ease your hurt. When you feel your prayers are going unanswered or unheard, take heart that God is there, He is listening, He will answer in due time. When you feel the anger is going to overtake your soul, He sits by patiently, allowing your emotions their course, understanding, and hoping for your return to His feet.
You are not broken; God creates all things in His image. You are not being punished, for His son has already paid the cost for your sins. Your desires are not being ignored; God hears even the most soft-spoken whispers of our heart. You are a child of God, a princess in His Kingdom, and you are most precious to Him. My prayer, including that God will bless your womb with life, is that even in your darkest moments, you will turn and seek solace from Him. And please know, while I might not understand your struggles, I am here, hurting with you, praying with you and over you, and as a friend, I will be there whenever you may need me.