Healing

Monday, September 24, 2007 13 Comments A+ a-

My sister, Christine, and I were just chatting on the phone and out of nowhere she asks, “So, how are you really doing?” I was kind of taken back, the subject before-hand was very light-hearted and trivial, so the question seemed to come out of the blue. “Why?” I asked cautiously. There was hesitation on her part; I heard her open her mouth, close it, and then open it again. “Because I’m watching Oprah and she has this woman on who killed her two-year-old son in the midst of her depression.”

It’s a horribly sad situation, one that I pray no one close to me ever goes through. But I was struck that Christine would compare my situation to the woman on Oprah. It’s been over a month since my depression hit a breaking point, a point that I never thought I would get to. And to answer Christine’s question, yes, I am doing really good, and no, I have NEVER thought about harming my children in any way. In the darkest moments, I only had one thought and that was for me to get away, either by harming myself or getting in the car, driving far away, and starting life anew; I could never hurt Devyn or Hudson.

In that dark moment, I could finally understand what causes a person to reach that limit; how such a selfish act could become an option. I never doubted for one moment that I was loved, I never questioned that people needed me. I knew these things but in that moment, I did not care. The pain, the overwhelming feelings, just needed to stop. I had visions of getting in my car and just driving away from it all, starting life in a new state, far away from my emotions and turmoil.

But needless to say, in reaching out to God and my family, I begged for help and it was given. The new medicine has kicked in, I’m having regular appointments with a counselor, and I know the worst of it is behind me. My heart is dancing again, my eyes are opened anew to the small blessings around me, there is joy in my actions, and all dark thoughts have gone away.

And who wouldn’t feel joyful with babies like these…

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

13 comments

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Paula
AUTHOR
6:17 PM delete

I hear your heart Jenn. Iam so glad that you have family that ask those questions. I have had those thoughts and NO ONE notices. I can cover it up...along with my family is just "too" busy to pay attention.
But you are feeling renewed and THAT is a blessing.

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Org Junkie
AUTHOR
8:30 PM delete

They are beautiful Jenn, I'm so glad you are doing well.

Blessings,
Laura

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Liz
AUTHOR
8:47 PM delete

The fact that you have a very loving, caring family is such a blessing. I am so glad you are doing good and your joy has returned.

Your babies are so beautiful! May your heart Keep on dancing.

Love,
Elizabeth
P.S. I love the new pictures of your little ones in the sidebar...so sweet!

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Amy
AUTHOR
9:09 PM delete

So great to hear about how you can go from despair...all the way back to hope. God heals and thank you for sharing your story. Just think about the many people you have touched (including me) by sharing your story! You may never know, Jenn!

p.s. can't wait, can't wait...for you know what!

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Stacey
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9:58 PM delete

Amazing. Wonderful. Beautiful. Blessed.

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Liberty
AUTHOR
11:06 PM delete

Praise the Lord! I am glad that you are doing good. And I am especially glad that you have a sister that cares enough to ask. I think in alot of these situations that the women end up hurting/killing their children they don't have ANY support even though they are CRYING out for help! I was more like you in that I didn't have thoughts of hurting my children...just thoughts of leaving. God is SO good!

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dareth
AUTHOR
11:18 PM delete

Looks like Dev spent a little too much time with her little cousin who likes to slurp up dirty water ;)

I am so glad you are feeling well, Jenn. I am even more glad that you know where to go when you needed help: to the One who can heal you and to those who can help in the interim while you heal. So proud of you.

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Katy
AUTHOR
4:35 AM delete

I have been right where you were. It was horrible. I am so glad you got the right meds (as did I). Isn't it amazing how much better you can feel and what a better outlook on life you can have in the right mind set? I hope you continue to do well and enjoy the life God gave you! :)

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crystal
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10:44 AM delete

I am so glad you are doing better! I am also glad that you have not had thoughts of harming your children. They are so adorable! I will keep praying that you will stay in good spirits and that you will continue to get the help you need. It is so good that your husband and family are there for you.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

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crystal
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10:44 AM delete

I am so glad you are doing better! I am also glad that you have not had thoughts of harming your children. They are so adorable! I will keep praying that you will stay in good spirits and that you will continue to get the help you need. It is so good that your husband and family are there for you.

Love and Prayers
Crystal

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Just Me
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8:38 AM delete

Praise God Jenn! I'm so thankful and rejoicing with you for this breakthrough and healing process!

Your babies are gorgeous!

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Joy
AUTHOR
8:06 PM delete

God bless you Jenn. Thanks again for sharing. Prayers and hugs!

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Wendy
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1:36 PM delete

Your children are beautiful and so are you. Thanks for always sharing your heart.

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