The Promise of Hope

Monday, August 20, 2007 30 Comments A+ a-

I really debated whether or not to share this with the world wide web; I was afraid that it would give evil a voice, thus giving it more power. But I realized that this is a story of hope, a story where the Almighty wins every time. And I once learned that silence and secrecy give evil and lies more power, so here you go...


***************

I could see the light peeking up over the horizon, just outside my bedroom window. Jon had left for work and I had Devyn cuddled up against my side, while Hudson was sound asleep on my chest. I couldn’t go back to sleep; I had numerous thoughts racing through my mind. There was no order to the thoughts, they would zip through my mind and out again, just as fast. I kept my eyes closed, trying to shut out the approaching day. If I pretended it didn’t exist, maybe it would go away. I could feel the darkness creeping in, clouding my mind.

"Jenn…" the silence hissed, "… you know there’s a simple way out." I opened my eyes; did I really just think that? The thoughts continued, "Seriously, Jenn, just go out to the garage and start the car. Your mom will be here soon enough when you don’t show up with the kids. Devyn and Hudson won’t even be alone that long." I shuddered and glanced around the room, I could feel it, Satan was in this room with me. "Go away," I begged, "Leave me alone!" I prayed in the power of Jesus Christ, I reminded Satan that I belonged to the King, that he had no authority over me. The evil thoughts subsided.

As I lay there, with two warm bodies cuddled against mine, I kept waiting for the feelings of gratitude and peace to return. It never happened. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the very idea of caring for these two small beings and I knew this time was different. I sent Jon a text message, letting him know that I was having dark thoughts. Then I called my mother and told her she needed to hurry to our house, I was in a bad shape. She arrived just as I was attempting to get Devyn dressed for the day. At the sight of her caring face, I let down my guard and fell into a heap of tears. I’d reached my limit, my breaking point, and now, I was of no use to anyone.


***************

Wednesday, as you can see, was a dark, dark day for me; I don't think I stopped crying until 6:00 that evening. I was either in Jon or my mom's care the entire day; they took me on errands, to the doctor, and cared for my children when I was unable to. This was most definitely a wake-up call for me; the breaking point for my body, soul, and mind.

Do I know what contributed to it? It could have been any number of things. My aunt's death, the break-in of my car, caring for my friend through her dad's crisis, the flood, the house situation, or even trying to "doctor" myself. Maybe my expectations of myself and the house were too high? Maybe it was a hormone shift? Or maybe it was a combination of everything; with a side of spiritual warfare. Regardless of whatever caused it, I need to take the right steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again. This tired, troubled, unhappy person is NOT me.


Where do I stand right now? One, my dosage of anti-depressants has been doubled; two, I just finished my first session with a counselor; and three, I'm laying myself at God's feet.

Refine me through this experience, Father. Sharpen me, mold me, use me and this experience in whatever way you see fit. Be my Prince of Peace, be my comfort, be my security. I'm laying it all here for you; this is your battle to fight, not mine.


I'm having good days and bad days. Thursday and Friday were spent mostly in a fog; with my family surrounding me, uplifting me, and supporting me. Jon and I have spent several hours talking and reconnecting after spending 14 months in my parents' basement. My mom has spent time in prayer, cloaking me in God's protection. Friends have been wonderful; being there with a listening ear and offering prayers on my behalf. And I'm at the point where I can finally see the hope at the end of this dark tunnel. And even though you can't see me, I'm wearing a tired, but relieved smile.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

30 comments

Write comments
Stacey
AUTHOR
6:34 PM delete

Oh sister,
It is so good to hear an update!!

Love you!!!

Reply
avatar
Amy
AUTHOR
6:40 PM delete

Oh, Jenn...I am so glad you chose to share this. Your story is and will continue to be so powerful. And God isn't finished. I'm praying for more peace...

I smiled thinking of you smiling:)

love, Amy

Reply
avatar
LPDraper
AUTHOR
7:08 PM delete

This doesn't give evil a voice, it gives God ALL the glory. He alone can provide the peace needed--- that peace that surpasses understanding.

I will pray for you, my friend.

Love,
Lindsey

Reply
avatar
7:31 PM delete

Wow. Thank you for sharing ... now I can pray. I went through a season very similar and just sharing your fear and calling out for help is demonstrating your trust in the Lord and not in your humanness. So very brave.

Reply
avatar
Wendy
AUTHOR
7:47 PM delete

I'm glad you shared this too, so I can be praying for you.

Reply
avatar
Jennisa
AUTHOR
8:08 PM delete

Thank you for letting us know what's going on. I will be uplifting you in prayer. I know the darkness you speak of, and I pray that the Lord hovers around you and your family!

Reply
avatar
Jenn
AUTHOR
8:54 PM delete

So glad that you called your mom and Jon.

Jenn

Reply
avatar
Liz
AUTHOR
10:22 PM delete

Oh Jen, I am sorry about the dark days you have had! Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and for sharing your heart. I will be uplifting you in prayer. I pray that your heart will be filled with peace, and you will be able to rest in the Savior's arms. There is hope, and God is doing a beautiful work in you!

A sister in Christ,
Liz

Reply
avatar
Rachel
AUTHOR
10:58 PM delete

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time, but I appreciate your transparency and willingness to share with us in an effort to help others and give God glory for helping you.
When I read your post today, it gave me confirmation about a topic that I have been debating blogging about. I have been feeling like God would have me blog about it, but I was afraid of being so transparent. Your post makes me think I need to write the post. So, thank you.

Praying for you, my friend!

Love you,
Rachel
www.nothinggold.net

Reply
avatar
Liberty
AUTHOR
11:34 PM delete

This brought tears to my eyes because it was just one year ago that I started counseling from dealing with the same thing. One of my sweet, Titus 2 mentors told me...."If you don't say it out loud then the light can't shine on the darkness." I kept all of the lies that satan was telling me in my head and I BELIEVED them! Once I started to talk about it I was able to see them for what they were...LIES! I am going to be praying for you, because I KNOW how you feel. I am glad you have such an awesome support system. God is good...ALL the time!

Reply
avatar
Laura
AUTHOR
1:48 AM delete

You are brave and courageous for writing this and sharing what's been going on inside. Our tidy little blogs so often don't reveal the untidiness of normal, often painful life.

Awesome to read how you ran to Jesus when temptation and evil struck.

He's close to you.

Reply
avatar
8:00 AM delete

More prayers heading your way. I'm glad you called for help. I look back on my own dark times and realize how close I came as well, but I did not tell anyone. I did not even really admit it to myself, which is even scarier.

You are right - it IS a story of hope. The end of the story has already been written - He wins. Now just to get there, moment by moment, with the strength He gives to the weary. Sometimes His strength comes from others' hands. Let them help you through.

Love and hugs,
Katherine

Reply
avatar
8:07 AM delete

LOVE YOU AND STILL PRAYING FOR YOU! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AND RECONNECT IN SEPTEMBER!
KRISTIN

Reply
avatar
dareth
AUTHOR
8:22 AM delete

So proud of you for recognizing the despair and calling for help.

There is much power in bringing darkness to light.

I will be praying very specifically for you in the coming weeks.

Love you, Jenn.

Exodus 14:14- The Lord will fight for you.

Reply
avatar
crystal
AUTHOR
8:46 AM delete

Thank You for sharing. It makes us that have went through or are going through the same things realize that we are not the only ones out there. So Glad you went to Jesus with it. There is no other place to go.

Continually praying for you.
Crystal

Reply
avatar
9:35 AM delete

Thanks for sharing this. I know it must have been hard. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things to work through this, and I agree with everybody else---God will have the victory!
I'm praying for you, and hoping things are very soon better for you!

Reply
avatar
Jami
AUTHOR
12:03 PM delete

I have never commented here before (but I have read it for a week or two now) but I can't help but comment now. I read your post with tears streaming down my face. I'm there... I've been there... I've struggled with depression since I was 12 (I'm 22 now). My mom lives 30 minutes away and there are days where that I wish I could call her and tell her that I need her and she would be here... unfortunately, I was raised to stand on my own two feet and by asking for help you are weak and taking the easy way out. Oh what I would do to be able to call someone and ask for help knowing that I wouldn't be judged for it!!! Thank you for being so open in your post and so honest... it makes me feel like less of a monster to know that otheres struggle with those same feelings!!! ***hugs*** I know that we don't know each other but please know that I am praying for you!!!

Reply
avatar
Amy
AUTHOR
12:59 PM delete

I'm usually just a lurker on your site but this post made me escape my lurker status. Thank you for sharing your story. I had a sister who suffered from severe depression. It sounds like you have a fabulous support system which is the best thing. I will pray for you and I hope that you continue to receive God's wonderful grace.

Reply
avatar
2:54 PM delete

Jen,

You are a very courageous person. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share, and may God be glorified in your testimony! I'm also thankful you have a Godly support group to surround you and take care of you.

Remember, when you are weak, HE is strong!

Blessings, sweet one.

Reply
avatar
Mike
AUTHOR
6:33 PM delete

Keep the faith. You will be OK.

Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/

Reply
avatar
Kati
AUTHOR
11:01 PM delete

I'm lifting you up in my prayers, and the Lord has his loving arms around you!

Reply
avatar
7:21 AM delete

Praying for you. . . Thank you for your transparency, for sharing your heart. . .

Reply
avatar
Katie
AUTHOR
10:18 AM delete

Praying for you - and grateful for your vulnerability - you actually took power FROM Satan by sharing this story.

Reply
avatar
Amanda
AUTHOR
12:30 PM delete

There is really nothing anyone can say to make it all better. But, I can pray!

Reply
avatar
Christina
AUTHOR
1:03 PM delete

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. If we don't know we can't pray but now that we do we can - and I will! ((HUGS))

Reply
avatar
O Mama Mia
AUTHOR
2:14 PM delete

I praise you for your bravery in posting this, hun. Know that you are not alone. I have fought these "bad thoughts" for years & God is amazing, through it all. Let Him carry you. Let Him hold you in your darkness. Let His light break you free of your darkness.
Praying for you!!

Reply
avatar
Mom
AUTHOR
8:13 PM delete

Jenn-
Thanks for sharing your story with others, honey. It takes courage and vulnerability to do that. I am proud of you!! Know that I continue to pray for you and that we are here for you. God IS soverign and has a plan for your life!!
I love you so much-

Reply
avatar
Susan
AUTHOR
7:29 AM delete

Jenn,
Praying for you in Jesus. I have nothing else to give. I am glad you have a loving mother and husband and a Lord that is with you every step. Thank you for your honesty. That takes courage and hope.

Reply
avatar
Damselfly
AUTHOR
11:27 AM delete

Bless you, and your family too.

Reply
avatar
Kelly
AUTHOR
11:39 AM delete

I am praying for you. What a blessing to have a mom who is doing spiritual warfare on your behalf, and a husband to support and love you.

May you feel God's arms wrapped securely around you if ever you feel alone again.

Reply
avatar