My Breaking Heart

Thursday, May 10, 2007 19 Comments A+ a-

“Hey Munchkin…” I whispered, trying to get her attention. We were lying in her bed, finishing our nightly routine of a story, prayer time, and cuddling before turning out the lights. She turned her head on the pillow, until her gray eyes locked with mine. “Yes,” she said in her chipmunk voice.

“Munchkin, tomorrow Mommy is going back to work.” She looked at me and nodded her head solemnly, as if she understood. I continued, “I won’t be here when you wake up tomorrow, ok? Will you be good for Nana and Aunt Alli?”

Her face brightened and said, “Uh huh!”

“Will you help take good care of Bobo?”

“Bobo! Uh huh!”

I pulled her into a hug as the tears started welling in my eyes. I pulled away and cupped her face in my hands. “Mommy is going to miss you so much!” And with that, the tears started falling down my face. Devyn reached out with her small, toddler hands to wipe them away and my heart dropped a little lower in my chest.

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I crawled into bed with Jon spooning my back and Hudson’s sleeping body against my chest. “Honey,” he asked, “Do you want me to pray for you?” I nodded; my throat still thick with tears. As he prayed, the tears found their way and my pillow grew damp. Jon held me as my tears subsided and soon I could feel the deep-breathing of his sleep.

I turned on the small light next to my bed and just watched my sleeping son. I caressed his fingers with my thumb; I smiled as he murmured in his sleep; I watched him stretch his pliant, little body, his bottom curving into my belly; and I planted small kisses over his face and neck. For an hour I memorized every movement he made and committed them to memory.

In an hour and a half, I’ll feed him one last time, hand him over to my mom, get in the car and drive 15 minutes to work. And my heart will break…
Dear Abba, I need you this morning. I need your comfort and I need your peace. Father, I need you to give me the strength to walk the path you’ve laid before me. Help me God; I cannot do this without you! My heart is in this home, with these children you’ve lent me. I pray that I can concentrate on work, when I am at work. And when I am home, that I will have the energy to play and have quality time with Devyn and Hudson. Abba, you are so good to me and I know you feel my pain. Help me to remember this feeling as I start to get into the routine of work and home. Help me to not forget so that I will relish the day a new job is provided to me and I can rejoice in spending more time at home. Into your hands, I commit this day. Amen.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

19 comments

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Dana
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6:33 AM delete

thinking of you today...

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Overwhelmed!
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6:52 AM delete

Oh, I'm so very sorry. I feel your heart ache. I'm a working mom too. Because I had just started a new job a month before Snuggle Bug was born, I only got to stay home for 2 weeks with him before having to return back to work. It nearly killed me to leave him! The only thing that saved my sanity was knowing that he was at home with his daddy, in very good care.

I'm offering up a prayer for you today. Hang in there!

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Jennisa
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7:18 AM delete

I pray your first day of work goes well and FAST...I understand your pain...praying for you...

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Amy
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7:39 AM delete

I'm crying for you, Jenn. I'm praying for you today...

Amy

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Rachel
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7:52 AM delete

Aww. I can't imagine how hard that must be. Hang in there!

~~Rachel
www.nothinggold.net

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aggiejenn
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8:33 AM delete

I'm so sorry, Jen. Praying the day goes by fast and your reunion at the end of the day is as sweet as ever. Blessings.

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org junkie
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8:37 AM delete

Oh my how reading this post causes all those feelings to come rushing back from when I had to do the same thing. It is so hard. I will pray that this transition goes smoothly for you and that you will have the desires of your heart.

Laura

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Susie
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8:41 AM delete

Jen, you are such a great mother and wife. I know this time must be so difficult for you, but your reliance on God is an inspiration. You will be in my prayers!

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HappyMama
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9:19 AM delete

Your post pulls on my heartstrings. You are in my prayers today. I love you!

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Stacey
AUTHOR
9:20 AM delete

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}!!!!!!!!
I am praying for you today. I am so sad because I know your heart's desire and your exact pain. It is oh, so hard to leave them when all you want to do is stay. Many graces be yours today.

Father God I just pray that you wrap sweet Jenn in a cocoon of protection, comfort and security knowing that this step, while hard, is not a step outside of Your Embrace.


Love you!!

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9:22 AM delete

I'm praying for you and your hurting heart today! I can't even imagine how hard that must be! I'll ask God to give you strength to get through this for as long as necessary, and I'm sure He will even help you to find joy in the process. And at the end of the day, give your kids an extra big hug :)

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The Artist
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9:37 AM delete

Praying for you today, my friend.

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Anonymous
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10:33 AM delete

Dearest Jenn,
My heart is breaking for you sweetie...please know that I am going to be praying for you through this time.
We love you SO much.
Colleen and Family

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Sarah
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11:05 AM delete

Oh sweet Jenn! You know my heart just aches for you. But I know you can do this, August will be here soon, and with all of us praying, I just KNOW the right job will open up. Your babies are in good hands with the Lord, whoever is taking care of them. I love you! Please, email/vent whenever you need to. I can't emagine how hard this must be!
Sarah

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Paula
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2:33 PM delete

I am so very sorry. I will pray the time passes so very quickly at work and time stands still at home. I pray a way will be made for you to be home more.

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Amy
AUTHOR
3:14 PM delete

Jenn,

Have you ever considered writing for a publication of some sort? You have a wonderful way of sharing your heart and making us feel like we are right there with you. You would be a great contributor to an online or print publication. Just a thought...I think you could have a part-time job doing this! Hope your day is going OK. love, Amy

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Anonymous
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5:20 PM delete

jenn, I read this blog and it made me cry. Know that Devyn is missing her mommy and they are in good hands.Love you,
aLLi

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Jennisa
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6:51 PM delete

I've been thinking about you all day...how did it go? I'm looking forward to hearing how your day went...~hugs my bloggie friend!

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Kristin Broughton
AUTHOR
7:26 PM delete

Jenn,
Oh how my heart is opened with such love for you and your family. Just know that God knew all of this was going to take place and he has a plan in mind. Hold fast to his love and your support group and just know I wish I could be there with you! YOu know you can call email or whatever anytime you need me.

Love you
Kristin

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