Keepin' It Real

Thursday, March 08, 2007 7 Comments A+ a-

Phone calls, text messages, and emails have gone unanswered for weeks now. I want so badly to reach out and return family and friends well-wishes but I know they want to gush about my newborn and/or motherhood and I’m just not there yet.

When I had baby blues after having Devyn, I would cry at the drop of a hat. Jon often recounts the infamous story of walking in the house to find me sobbing in front of the TV, where moments earlier I had been fine. I know during that time I was mourning the loss of coupledom; knowing that Jon and I were no longer a twosome, the end of an era. Combine that with the inexperience of a new mother and you have a basket case on your hands. Within two weeks, the baby blues subsided and my joy in motherhood blossomed.

Here I am, entering my fourth week as a mother of two, and the baby blues have yet to dissipate. I’m not breaking into sobs, or even tears for that matter. These blues have left me feeling completely inadequate as a mother. All my confidence in my mothering skills has flown out the window and as I told Amy earlier this week, I feel like I’ve lost my mommy “mojo”. Three weeks and one day ago, I knew exactly what I was doing; I knew every one of Devyn’s cries and what they meant; if a temper-tantrum was being thrown, I knew exactly how to handle it; if Devyn was being extra fussy, I could pinpoint the exact reason why. At this point, I keep reaching blindly for the brake or an exit door, anything to help me make sense of the chaos.

There are moments of reprieve, however, in the form of my husband, family, a special moment, or the simple feeling that I’m not alone. A conversation with my friend, Sarah, forced me to recognize that I need to offer myself grace; that as a new mommy of two, I can’t expect perfection. On Wednesday, my parents took Devyn with them during a five-hour drive through the mountains, leaving me home alone with Hudson. I took the time to memorize my son’s face; to cuddle with his small, pliant body; to connect with him. I was/am so thankful that I got that time alone with him and it turned out to be a wonderful experience for Devyn too. It had been three long weeks without seeing her spirited, independent streak and I was only too thankful to see it return.

In all honesty, the baby blues haven’t left yet but I’m wavering between good and bad moments. There are the moments when I wish I could get into my car, roll down the windows, and take off on a long, winding interstate into the unknown. But then there are other moments when I feel so incredibly blessed that I’m humbled into tears of gratitude. I know I’ll get through this, just as I got through it the first time, but for the time being, I’m just trying to keep it real.

No one said motherhood was easy and when a loss of hormones has been added to the mix, you sometimes end up with this… So, for those of you waiting to hear from me, I promise it'll be soon. I just need a little extra time to gather my bearings and try to find my mommy "mojo" again.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

7 comments

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Stacey
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7:28 AM delete

Thanks for keepin it real. There is nothing I appreciate more than realness!!

Here's praying for that mojo to return to you asap!!

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Overwhelmed!
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3:10 PM delete

You WILL get through this, and you're a great mom. I hope you find your mommy "mojo" again soon. I'm glad you have the support of Jon and your family to help see you through this overwhelming time.

You hang in there, okay! I'll keep you in my prayers.

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The Artist
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5:40 PM delete

Hang in there my friend. I'm praying for you. Big hugs. Much love.

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Joy
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7:54 AM delete

Thanks for your sincerity. I feel like you have written what I feel each time a new baby comes. It's a precious and frightening time. The first one took me 2 months to regain that "mojo", so you're far ahead of me! Lots of love to you and your family!

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Anonymous
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11:29 AM delete

Sweets,
I have been meaning to write you...and let you know that you are in our hearts and prayers.
I can totally relate to what you are going through, and the funny thing is that my baby blues hit hardest with Callen, the third???
I wanted to share with you that I was able to take NATURAL progestrone, in these wonderful chocolates, provided by a Compounding pharmacist. My Dr. at that time was just wonderful and it was just what my body needed for just a week or two. They say that our progestrone drops 90 to 95% right after birth...so go figure why we feel this way..UHGH.
If you want more information on this...please just let me know.
The natural stuff is safe for you to take while nursing...so no worries there.
Love you guys so much.
Aunti Colleen

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Elise
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8:40 PM delete

Oh, I wish I had seen this last week! I'm so sorry about the blues - you know they'll pass, but it doesn't make NOW any easier! Your most recent post shows me that you are dwelling on the wonderful good that God has placed in your life, so I know He has heard your prayers, and the prayers of your friends.
You're still in mine! :)

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10:00 PM delete

More prayers heading your way. I can totally relate to everything you said. The fact that the emotions seem so conflicting at times makes it even harder to deal with (or for others to try to figure out). I'm glad you accepted help when it came - you are headed in the right direction!

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