Fears, Hopes, and Truths

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 12 Comments A+ a-

As my due date draws continuously closer, I find myself in a state of reflection, often wavering between the fears and hopes I have for this new development in our life.

The Fears:
How am I going to possibly love this child as much as I love Devyn? How is Devyn going to adjust to sharing attention with her brother? How am I going to handle the transition from one child to two? What will my labor and delivery be like? Am I horrible mother for even doubting my love for another child? Do I have the ability to rear a little boy into a man of God? How am I going to balance my time with each child? Will Devyn regress from my lack of attention? Will Hudson fail-to-thrive without having my full attention, the kind of attention Devyn had from day one?

The Hopes:
I’m anxious to watch my children grow into their sibling relationship; catch them playing together or even for the arguments that are sure to ensue. I can’t wait to see who Hudson looks like; Devyn, Jon, myself, or another family member. I want to raise a son who rough and tough, yet sensitive and kind. My hope for his life is that he’ll always put family and God first. I can’t wait to kiss his face; touch his toes; feel his downy hair against my cheek; sustain him with my milk. I’m looking forward to the family outings, vacations, and trips to the mountains. Instead of saying “child”, I find myself already referring to my “children”.

My Truths:
Yes, I’ll admit that I’m absolutely terrified for Hudson’s arrival, in more ways than one. I’m nervous for the time that will no longer belong to just Devyn and I, but at the same time I’m so anxious to meet him. I was talking to my friend, Amy, and the hardest part is that I feel like I’ve cheated Hudson throughout this whole pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Devyn, my days and thoughts were consumed with this little life growing inside me; I was connected to her from the moment the two lines appeared on the stick. This doesn’t mean that Hudson wasn’t wanted, he was, from the day we decided to start trying again, but somehow my days are consumed with other things. Have I been fair to Hudson?

I realize that my God is greater than my fears, and even greater than my hopes. The timing, the circumstances, and the experiences have already been planned out and I can have complete peace in the fact that our family is in His hands. When I find my mind racing, I’m making a conscious effort to keep them from mind and rely solely on His grace to see me through each day. And at night, when I have a sleeping toddler in the crook of my arm, another hand placed on my active womb, and my husband studying at our desk, I realize how blessed I truly am. So, at this time, I’m trying desperately to push anxious thoughts from my mind and live in each moment, each day; for the future has already been taken care of.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

12 comments

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Amy
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2:08 PM delete

Jenn,

You already know that this describes my heart as well! I was actually considering taking a quick look to see if this baby is a boy or girl because I thought maybe I could prepare my heart more to love him/her. But after praying about it, I have peace and assurance that GOD is the one who is preparing my heart (and yours) to love this little one like he/she needs and deserves. Thank goodnes He is the one in control! Thank you for this post...love, Amy

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Paula
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3:09 PM delete

WOW! I can already relate. Is that a mother thing? I will pray for all these things and more.

BTW~My husband was in here with me about two weeks ago while I reading your blog and he LOVES LOVES LOVES the name Hudson. He has told everyone and has already decided that if we have a boy, his name should be Hudson. I sure hope you don't mind. I am deciding between Landon and Hudson, but he says no...it is Hudson. So you picked a GREAT name for your little man.

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Amanda
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3:42 PM delete

Devyn will be fine and you will have enough love for both of them. I have so much I could say on this but my mind is not working well right now. Maybe it has to do with having a newborn that's one week old and two other kids. I can't wait to come on this blog and see your little man! You will do great!

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Munchkin Land
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3:43 PM delete

Paula,
My husband and I would be HONORED to have another little Hudson in the world! You made me smile...

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Elise
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4:52 PM delete

I remember thinking this, too, Jenn. I felt so guilty that the first child got 100% of my attention, and the second (and subsequent) would get less. I felt like it would be divided, and that wasn't fair.
But when I walked in the door and Corban came running to see "baby Micah"!, I felt a peace. So much love, so much grace, to be blessed with multiple children.
It's going to be so ok. I promise.

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Mike
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5:14 PM delete

You'll do great. Do remember to do the funny faces while you push.


Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/

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Christine
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7:24 PM delete

This is such a wonderful post and I remember feeling all of these things. Now, pregnant with my 4th, the fears and excitement are different. I know I'll love this one as much, and enjoy him more than the baby stage of the first couple because I'm more relaxed. I already know how wonderful it is to see your children playing- and to see your older children dote on the younger. I wonder, though, how I'll deal with a toddler and a newborn since these last 2 will be much closer together than the others! I'm so excited for you and your continuation of the journey! It only gets better, more challenging, perhaps, but better! Blessings to your family!

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Christine
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7:40 PM delete

I just added you to my blogroll, I hope you don't mind!

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erin
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10:31 PM delete

All is going to be wonderful!! I felt the same way before JCT was born. I remember thinking that there was no way I could love another child as much as I loved my Joshua. But, I do!! God is amazing like that! He just keeps filling us up with love to overflowing. So, don't worry about that!

And, the lack of attention, on either side (Devyn or Hudson), may be difficult at times, but I believe it is healthy. Joshua (and JCT) doesn't always get mommy when he wants me, but that is okay. He is learning that other people and their needs are important, too. He is learning lessons each day that will help him later in life. I really believe God uses siblings to teach children so much!!

You are so blessed!

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Wendy
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7:43 AM delete

I remember feeling the same way. Just take things a day at a time. God will work out all the details and He will definitely give you enough love for everyone! I am praying for you.

I love the name Hudson too, so cute!

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Stacey
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11:32 AM delete

Well, my sweet friend, I cannot possibly add to what has already been said by all your other commenters.
You are going to be fine. Trust in the God that created this life within you - and created you to be the Mother of Two!! You will be amazed at how your love will multiply and you will love each of them as they grow in so many of the same ways and so many different ways as well.

The fear I experienced while pregnant with my 2nd was that I was cheating not the unborn baby but the older child. I was so hyper about making sure she had her very own birthday party before another sibling was introduced. (We had the party a week before her 1st birthday - which was good timing because Timmy was born 2 days later - 3 days before her 1st birthday!!)


You will be awesome - but I will keep you and your concerns in my prayer jar!!

Love ya!

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8:07 PM delete

You are so sweet to express these thoughts. Hard to imagine having "enough" love. But love grows. And grows. You'll see.

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