Sunday, September 10, 2006 3 Comments A+ a-

It's 6:30am on a Sunday morning and I'm awake, in fact, I've been awake since 6:00am. I'm in a reflective mood this morning and that's probably why I'm sitting at the computer instead of trying to go back to sleep. With a new birth in the family (congrats Ben and Kara, pics soon, I hope) and with this little life inside me making his/her presence more known on a daily basis, I'm sure they're part of the reasons I'm reflecting so much on motherhood.

Kara, the new mom, sent me a quick text message last night, a mere nine hours after the birth of her daughter, Emerson Faith, and in it she said, "We are SO in love". I read it aloud to Jon and it started us on a path of reminiscing of our first hours and days with Devyn. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can prepare first-time parents for the onslaught of emotions that overcome you when you're first handed this tiny, crying, squirming bundle called daughter or son. Awe, love, a deep sense of connection (oh, so you're the one that's been residing inside me for the past 9 months!), fear, hope, overwhelming sense of responsibility, and the list goes on.

Devyn's birth happened so fast and under such stressful circumstances, that it didn't hit Jon that he was a Daddy until a couple of hours after she was born. I distinctly remember the exact moment it hit him; he handed this little baby, wrapped in pink, over to his grandfather and the tears just leapt into his eyes. At that moment, I could see that he'd do anything to protect his little girl. It didn't hit me until hours later, tucked into our recovery room around 2:00am. Jon was sleeping on the other bed, we were finally alone, and I sat for hours tracing every wrinkle, every feature with my finger; planted kisses on her cheeks, her head, her nose, her fingers; caressed any bare skin that I could find; and let it sink in that this miracle was mine, for however long God wanted to lend her to me, but until that moment came she was mine.

When we were getting ready to leave the hospital, Devyn made it very well-known that she hated this thing called a car-seat and was extremely vocal in expressing her displeasure in having to use it. Through infant cries, Jon told me to forget it, that I should just hold her in the car so we could travel home in peace and quiet. When his dad admonished him saying, no, what are you crazy, that's when we exchanged a look of pure terror. Suddenly we realized that we were parents and our decisions were responsible for someone else. Oh, what had we gotten ourselves into?!

Motherhood still overwhelms me with all of the emotions that come with it; all of the hopes and fears for her future; the responsibility of shaping her will and spirit; the financial obligations of keeping her warm, fed, and clothed; and continually trying to do my best as her mother. But the rewards are absolutely incredible. The smiles that cross her face when she sees me; the cuddle sessons where she pulls my head in close for kisses or cheek caresses; watching her experience new things and seeing the way her eyes light up when she figures something out; feeling that sense of awe of knowing that Jon and I created her; watching her jump around, run, and dance; being called Daddy (yes, I'm still called Daddy); and watching her try to raise two fingers when asked how old she is even though we're not quite there yet. Yes, motherhood brings a multitude of things and it has been one of the most scary, overwhelming, fufilling, rewarding, and incredible journeys I've ever been on; I'm so thankful that I have been called to such a vocation!

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.


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11:28 AM delete

I love reflective moods like this. I think they really are a gift...especially when you are able to record them and even share! Thank you for sharing! And what precious children we've been given!

1:43 PM delete

What a beautiful post and I couldn't agree with you more. The rewards of motherhood are absolutely incredible! I had no idea you could love one tiny being so much until I became a mother myself!

I got a call from Oronzo today, he told me that Snuggle Bug said his first 4 word sentence. He told Oronzo, "I no want this!" We're so excited with how his vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds and how nice it is that he can express his needs and wishes now.

What a blessing children are!

8:23 PM delete

Very well said. An amazing and fearful experience. I still feel like a little girl playing house. Crazy that three little people look to me for all their needs.