To Doppler... Or NotDuring every pregnancy thus far (count ‘em, all two), I’ve struggled with the concept of trust. For example, when I was pregnant with the first, I was constantly freaking out about every little symptom or lack of symptom or twinge or cramp. I believe I was in the doctor’s office once a week and they even scheduled three ultrasounds before the mid-way mark. Where was my trust in God?
Fast-forward to the third trimester, I gave in to my fears even more. We had a number of friends and family lose babies during the third trimester and my fear got the better of me. I begged Jon to let me rent a fetal heart-doppler, the kind they use in doctors offices to hear the heartbeat, to have at home and listen whenever I wanted. He gave in and it went a long way in soothing frazzled nerves.
This time around I vowed that things would be different, after all, I knew what to expect, I knew what to look for or how a pregnancy should feel and I’m sure God was just laughing at the road ahead of me. There has been NOTHING the same with this pregnancy and I still find myself struggling with each new twinge, symptom, or cramp. I’m sure God is sitting up there, looking down at my fears, and wondering why I just can’t hand these feelings over to Him. After all, He is in control of everything and He wants nothing but great things for my life. I’m sure He’s sad every time my mind wanders over to the dark side, imagining the worst. I want to be able to trust him with my whole heart and being, but it’s hard to let go of the fears.
So, I’ve done it again; I’ve rent a fetal heart-doppler. It arrived last week and I love pulling it out, swishing the wand across my belly, and hearing the magic of my baby’s heartbeat. Maybe it proves just how little I trust God or maybe it just provides the reassurance I need. I don’t know, but I do know that I love hearing that heartbeat; it’s a miraculous sound either way.