Another Day Closer

Monday, October 03, 2005 5 Comments A+ a-

"Another day closer..."
Every day draws me closer to Devyn’s 1st birthday and a sense of loss fills me. I’ve tried explaining to my dear, sweet husband why I feel this way. And although he tries his best to understand (bless his heart), he just can’t. I fine myself drawing closer to my girlfriends who have been, or are currently, going through this. After all, it seems that only another mother’s heart can understand the tug-of-war going on inside.

On one hand, I love seeing Devyn grow and change in front of my eyes. I watch as she takes daring step, after daring step around the coffee table; I exclaim, in pride, over her accomplishment of turning around all by herself;
I laugh as she makes new sounds and tries mimicking our words or the barking dogs. I sit in wonder as I watch this beautiful girl, a girl that Jon and I created, explore this world. I can’t describe the feelings of happiness, pride, or love that overwhelms me.

But then I sit back and I think back to a year ago; when I was getting big with pregnancy and wishing and hoping for this baby to finally make her appearance in the world because I was done with being pregnant. Even though I loved the kicks, the dancing, and the constant trips to the bathroom; I just wanted her here in the flesh with us. And I remember the doctor placing her in my arms and thinking, how tiny she was! I loved how fragile and helpless she was; I loved that only I (or so it seemed) could answer her needs. So as I watch Devyn Paige get more independent and more daring, I can’t help but remember her baby days with a wistful sigh.

I’m a coffee drinking, book reading, laundry procrastinating, husband and children loving, mess of a woman who believes that chips and salsa can fix anything. We have chickens running around the backyard, a mountain of dishes in the sink, and on any given morning, I have at least 10 school forms that need my signature or initials. It’s a crazy life {I prefer to call it controlled chaos}, but its ours.

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Hero's Cousin
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2:01 PM delete

that was beautiful. there's something within the spirit of a mother which yearns for her child to grow up, while at the same time hoping she never will. you are a wonderful mommy. thanks for sharing.

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Jess
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8:19 PM delete

Amen! But you have to love every moment, as it seems you are, and embrace all the wonderful moments to come. Before Sophia'sfirst birthday, I had all of your feelings. Now that she's almost 20 months old, I have such fun watching her & am constantly amazed at her ability to be such a little girl. True, at times, it seems that my "baby" is gone, but she never truely will be. And YOU alone will ALWAYS have something that only YOU can give to her: you're her mommy!

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9:03 PM delete

I am in awe of every statement as I watch Ty grow. I love him needing me and as he grows older the relationship sure does change. He will always be my little man.

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11:28 AM delete

Beautifully written my dear. I agree with you that only a mom can understand...it is so very true. I can tell you that it does not leave you, that feeling, it only grows stronger through the years. It is a mixture of joy and sadness with every turning point of their precious little lives. We sit and watch our family videos, and it brings me to tears each time, seeing how much they have changed. But girlie, at least you have your priorities right and there will not be a ounce of guilt that you were not there for your precious Deyvn. You have it right!! Love you guys. Give Devyn a big hug & kiss from all of us.

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11:31 AM delete

Jen, PLEASE forward that picture of Devyn holding the pumkin to me so I can print it...ok? That is way toooo cute.

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